Four years

Here is a picture to prove that Jubilee is actually growing hair. And it's curly! So cute!
Asa got Legos, puzzles, and some books on CD for his birthday. He was a little disappointed that he didn't get a remote control airplane, but I just couldn't bring myself to buy something that would require hours of standing outside in freezing cold temperatures. Maybe this summer!

He requested a blueberry cake with blue frosting.

Well, my baby boy turned four today. Asa is a delight and a gift. I can often feel bad about the amount of "upset" that he has had in his four years. My Dad called to tell me about his cancer when Asa was 4 weeks old, and it has felt like one blow after another since then. You just want your child's life to be peaceful, right? However, I know that God can and will redeem the trying times that have ocurred during Asa's life and use them for good. I pray often that God will put empathy and compassion in Asa's heart, and I see Him answering that prayer. I see intuition and sensitivity to others in my boy that are beyond his years. I pray that God will continue to nourish those traits in him.

Here is a quick run down of some highlights about Asa at age 4.....

* He still loves vehicles

* He wants to know how everything works. (pipes, motors, ovens, radios, computers, everything)

* He has a growing interest in books and his newest love is to listen to books on CD. We get a big stack from the library each week and he listens to them during his rest time and while he falls asleep.

* He has a deep interest in electricity that vascilates between fear, love, and curiosity

* He loves his sister and thinks she is the most hilarious person in the world!

* He LOVES his mommy. It's funny that from day one Asa has shown overwhelming love and affection for me. It is sometimes smothering and often humbling, but always flattering!

* He loves to wrestle and tickle fight with Daddy. Daddy is a much better imaginative player than I am, so Asa enjoys playing made up games with him.

* The boy loves kitties. Sorry Asa, mommy is super allergic so that's never going to happen.

* He enjoys time alone or with one other person. Lots of people and noise rattle him. He will probably be the kid who backpacks across Europe by himself when he's 19 (and worries his mother sick!)

* He loves to paint and play with play dough

* He is super interested in cooking and has become my official "stirer" when I am baking something

* He can write his name correctly about 75% of the time. He's got the "A's" down, but the "S" can be tricky sometimes!

* He enjoys going to preschool and has become good friends with one of his classmates

* He loves hearing Bible stories and when I read them to him at night, often pushes the book back into my arms and says, "One more please!"

* He wants to be a train engineer when he grows up

WHAT A GUY!

**A quick note about my health: I am doing pretty good. The treatment has not been as bad as I anticipated it to be. However, I am only taking one of several antibiotics that I will eventually be on. I am thankful for the days that I feel good, and look forward to feeling good EVERY day. I can't even imagine that! I meet with the Lyme doctor again tomorrow, and will update again if I get more information.

Lemon kids

Apparently my kids like citrus!

Snowy days....

"Pretend cooking"

Asa has been super interested in helping me cook lately, so he had lots of fun pretending to make things with his tray of "ingredients"

Warming up with cocoa after playing in the snow

Snowy days means LOTS of time stuck at home. We did manage to get out to play at least once every day. Asa loved playing outside (except for the day that it was only 15 degrees), but poor Jubilee was miserable with a cold and absolutely hated her snow suit and hat. She did, however, love sledding. We just plopped her on the sled and sent her down by herself. She got quite a thrill from the whole adventure and Asa loved it too.

To keep us busy inside our house, I got a little help from Pinterest. I found some fun ideas by entering "fun indoor activities for kids" into the search bar. If you haven't learned about Pinterest yet, I am not sure whether I should urge you to immediately start using it, or stay far away from it! It is a good way to waste lots of time, but I have gotten some good ideas from it as well.

Whose life is this?

Snuggles before bed time

Sweet smiles

Doing what he does best: playing with vehicles

Tonight I am feeling overwhelmed with sadness. After my Dad died I blogged about being struck with "red hot jabs of memory." Greif is unpredictable and sometimes strange. I would feel fine for days or even weeks and then suddenly a jab of memory would hit: seeing his handwriting, remembering his voice, a glimpse of someone in a crowd who looked like him from behind. I have started another process of grief since my diagnosis with Lyme. It is very different, and yet very much the same. I think I am grieving the life that I thought I would have, or that I thought I "deserved." Everything from the "glowing pregnant mama," to the nice big family home, to the security we worked so hard to build has been different than I had hoped for and expected. Whose life is this? How did we get here? We tried so hard to do everything right so how did it unravel so fast? It was not part of the plan, I can tell you that much. But then I am reminded that it's not about what we do or how hard we work. God's grace gives us more than we deserve every day.

Well, I have certainly learned a lot from this. Some lessons are ones I've learned before that are being retaught.

In addition to being overwhelmed with sadness, I am also feeling overwhelmed with gratitude. Just look at the faces in those pictures up there! How did I get so lucky? I am also so grateful for our church community. This is a church who knows how to rally around people who are in crisis. Whenever I discuss my diagnosis with someone at First Pres, their first response is "how can we help?" I get offers, almost daily from people who want to help. And they really do want to help. People have offered to provide meals, provide childcare, clean my house, come with me to doctors' appointments, pray over me, run errands for me, and more. When I first announced my diagnosis to the rest of the staff at our meeting last week, I was comforted by their immense concern, encouragement, and support. The next day, in my box at church, I found a generous check from the deacons to help with our out of pocket medical expenses. Close friends have known how much we've struggled these last several months. Around Christmas time I received an anonymous envelope in the mail with a generous cash gift inside. I teared up when I saw it. What a kind offering, during such a busy time of year. It just made me so thankful that we have people in our lives who are willing to help in such immediate ways. And really, this is not a plea for cash donations, but I am hoping the person who sent it reads this and knows how incredibly grateful we were for their kindness :)

But with all of that said, I should tell you that the first week of treatment hasn't been all that bad. I had a hard week, but it was manageable, and for that I am really thankful. Tomorrow I increase my antibiotic dosage, so please pray that my body handles it okay. My accumulation of prescription drugs and supplements has become quite impressive over the last year. Between Aaron and I, our bathroom has officially become the Tiger Pharmacy.

I have been missing my Dad a lot this week as well. Time has calmed the initial jolting grief that you experience when you lose someone you love. I am also highly distracted by two young children, so days or weeks go by when I don't miss him much. However, this week I have missed him something awful. How is it that he is not here during the most trying times of my life? What would he say to me right now? I like to think that he would tell me to believe Jesus when He tells us not to worry. I think he would tell me the same thing he told me when he was still with us, which is "the most important thing, is that your heart belongs to Jesus."

An Answer

(Sorry about the lack of paragraphs! For some reason Blogger isn't letting me split them up)

I have been given an answer to the cause of my suffering. It has been a week and it's still sinking in. But I am grateful to have an answer, and I've got the bloodwork, test results, and even pictures to prove it.

Where to begin? Back in April, after I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, a friend from college sent me a facebook message. She told me that she had seen on the blog that I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, and that I shouldn't acccept that diagnosis until I had been tested for Lyme disease. She herself had been diagnosed with Lyme disease. This new piece of information completely overwhelmed me. I was just beginning to come to terms with the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. I was focusing in and making major changes to get my symptoms under control. To start venturing off on a different path meant I would lose my focus and lose ground. Plus, I never remembered having been bit by a tick, so it couldn't possibly be Lyme. Nevertheless, I mentioned it to my naturopath and she ran a standard blood test to check for Lyme. Not long after that, I was informed that my test had come back negative.

A few months later this friend sent me another message, saying that she had seen I was diagnosed with an undifferentiated connective tissue disease. She had been diagnosed with the same thing, and suffered for years before being correctly tested for Lyme. The standard blood test, she informed me, was not accurate, and if I wanted accurate results I would need to get tested through a lab that specialized in testing for Lyme disease. Once again, I was burdened by this information. Another test? And this one NOT covered by insurance? Another doctor? Another possibility? I wasn't sure what to do.

Then, my health continued to get worse. This summer I was an enormous mess. On the outside, I probably looked completely normal, besides the fact that I had lost a considerable amount of weight. People closest to me could tell I was going downhill, but to most people, I looked just fine. I was NOT fine. It is impossible to describe what it's like to suffer day after day after day after day, with no end in sight. Doctors prescribing things like "a nice long walk" and "a good night's sleep" leave you feeling desperate and isolated. I could hardly do anything this summer. Days would pass when I couldn't eat. Week after miserable week would pass by, again, with no end in sight. I had strange and awful symptoms including tremors, passing out, night sweats, heart palpitations, facial numbness, severe joint pain, stabbing chest pain. I was so ill, I told Aaron that I sometimes worried I would not wake up in the morning.

I went to a doctor's appointment with Aaron in August. We were both desperate for help and we would do anything to get it. I sobbed in front of the doctor, begging for help. She slowly thumbed through my chart (I had seen this doctor at least a dozen times), looked up at me and said, "Have you tried taking regular naps?" I nearly lost my mind.

Then came a pivotal weekend in mid-September. We had planned to go camping as a family. This date had been on the calendar for weeks, and I just knew I would be too sick to go. I really wanted to go and feel at least OK. I prayed that my health would make a positive turn and that I would be able to go camping with the family. The weekend arrived and I was the most ill I think I'd ever been. I was FURIOUS! I just want to go camping with family for crying out loud, it's not like I was praying for a Mediterranean cruise!!! Aaron wanted to take me to the hospital, but I refused. What would they treat me for? They would give me a bag of fluid (which I was able to drink fluid just fine at home), give me a sedative and send me on my way with a nice fat bill to pay. After much consideration, Aaron decided to go ahead and take Asa camping, since Asa was so excited to go. I stayed behind with Jubilee, as miserable as ever.

This was probably my lowest point. I was beyond desperate. I put Jubilee to bed and collapsed in my own bed, Googling my symptoms for the millionth time. Something is wrong and no one is helping me. I looked up the name of the Lyme disease doc that my friend had passed along, and made a note to call her the next day. I cried on the phone to the receptionist, (she told me she gets that a lot!) and got as much information as I could. I confessed to her that I was afraid I would die of something that had gone undiagnosed. I was sick and no one could find anything wrong. The receptionist was a patient listener! Aaron and I talked when he and Asa came back from camping, and we decided to make an appointment.

The following week, I had my first experience with healing prayer. I have been a Christian my whole life and have been prayed for thousands of times. But I have never been prayed for like this. I sensed a change in and around me when this woman was praying for me. Afterwards, I felt no different physically, but for the first time in a long time, I had HOPE.

Not coincidentally, my friend who had informed me about Lyme asked me to call her the next day. I prayed before our conversation, that God would direct my thinking and emotions while we talked. As my friend and I talked, I could NOT believe how similar our stories were! I nearly cried from the relief of talking to someone who knew EXACTLY what I was experiencing. She directed me to a couple of websites and a documentary called "Under Our Skin." I urge you to please, please watch this documentary as soon as you can. Aaron and I watched it together that night, and kept looking at each other like, "Oh my gosh....I have Lyme disease!" After watching that movie, I was pretty convinced that I had Lyme, but I needed confirmation. I had my appointment with a Lyme specialist in mid-October, and went through the testing process. Then, on December 29th, I received the news that my Lyme test had come back strongly positive. "There is no doubt," were the doctor's words.

Along with Lyme, I have another parasitic illness which is causing a lot of these problems as well. I will be working with this doctor to treat both for the next several years. I started on antibiotics immediately and will be on them for a long, long time. There will likely be many unpleasant symptoms as a result of the treatment. As the bacteria dies off, the body can react strongly. So far, I have noticed some worsening of symptoms, but nothing too bad. However, I am only taking about 1/8 of the meds I will eventually be on. We are increasing doses slowly since things will "likely get worse before they get better." I've heard that before.

I can't even begin to put words to how I have felt this past week, but here are a few: overwhelmed, relieved, afraid, vindicated, angry, confused, giddy, sad. I will probably be recording my thoughts about this journey as I continue through it and start to untangle this web of thought and emotion. There are many things that I haven't touched on yet, that I will soon (this post is getting long and I have to stop somewhere!) Things like: getting the whole family tested, figuring out what our insurance will cover, whether or not I will get completely better, what life will look like for us while I'm in treatment. I don't know the answer to a lot of this yet. Aaron and I are so grateful to have an answer and a doctor who willing to see me through. Chronic Lyme is serious, but with correct treatment, I could actually get my life back. Please pray for us, and please educate yourself about Lyme disease. You can start by watching "Under Our Skin." It will be worth every minute!

Not sure what to say

Aaron has been growing out his beard and it reached a point of craziness that I could no longer stand. He is now sporting huge chops and a mustache which is not my favorite, but it's better than the mayhem of that huge beard.

In the Northwest the term "indoor park" is one we use often in the fall/winter, even spring. Here is Asa at one of the many indoor parks we attend.

Well, I haven't been sure what to write. Family-wise, we are doing pretty well. We are heading towards Christmas with little to no stress. Oh how I love living in the Northwest. The culture is so completely relaxed. At times this drives me crazy (like when you need people to RSVP to an event), but during the holiday "rush" it's quite nice. We also aren't in a place financially to make a big huge Christmas happen, so we are keeping it super simple. We got a few gifts for each of the kids and think that as long as they are fairly oblivious about presents we might as well not go overboard. Plus, we really want to keep the focus on the birth of Christ, not on presents and parties.

The other reason we've been keeping it simple is because of my health. Sadly, I have taken a bit of a downturn and I just can't handle a lot of stress and running around. Everyday tasks have become hard again and symptoms I haven't had for a couple of months have returned. This is hugely disappointing to me. I am trying to not let the illness and the discouragement intertwine. If they do, they tend to make each other worse. I could use your prayers for my health, as usual. I continue to believe that Jesus is beginning a healing process in me. I need to believe this and not give up hope. I have been meeting with a Dr. in Seattle who has run a gauntlet of blood tests on me. She is one of the first doctors who really believes how sick I've been and doesn't dismiss it as "stress" or "anxiety." I think she will really help me get to the bottom of things. I will see her again late next week and will post an update if I learn anything new.

My children continue to grow and grow. Asa has kept me laughing through these hard days. When he gets dressed in the morning he says that he is "getting a new paint job." Putting on clean socks is "putting new tires on his wheels," and putting on clean underwear is "getting a new exhaust pipe." When we brush his teeth he says he is "cleaning out his grill." What a kid.

Asa

Cute boy

The Christmas tree is up....we'll see how many ornaments the kiddos break this year!

Picking out the perfect tree to cut down

Explaining to me that the vacuum cleaner attachment he's holding on his back is an exhaust pipe

This is how we passed a very windy, cold Sunday afternoon

Peek-a-boo