Whose life is this?

Snuggles before bed time

Sweet smiles

Doing what he does best: playing with vehicles

Tonight I am feeling overwhelmed with sadness. After my Dad died I blogged about being struck with "red hot jabs of memory." Greif is unpredictable and sometimes strange. I would feel fine for days or even weeks and then suddenly a jab of memory would hit: seeing his handwriting, remembering his voice, a glimpse of someone in a crowd who looked like him from behind. I have started another process of grief since my diagnosis with Lyme. It is very different, and yet very much the same. I think I am grieving the life that I thought I would have, or that I thought I "deserved." Everything from the "glowing pregnant mama," to the nice big family home, to the security we worked so hard to build has been different than I had hoped for and expected. Whose life is this? How did we get here? We tried so hard to do everything right so how did it unravel so fast? It was not part of the plan, I can tell you that much. But then I am reminded that it's not about what we do or how hard we work. God's grace gives us more than we deserve every day.

Well, I have certainly learned a lot from this. Some lessons are ones I've learned before that are being retaught.

In addition to being overwhelmed with sadness, I am also feeling overwhelmed with gratitude. Just look at the faces in those pictures up there! How did I get so lucky? I am also so grateful for our church community. This is a church who knows how to rally around people who are in crisis. Whenever I discuss my diagnosis with someone at First Pres, their first response is "how can we help?" I get offers, almost daily from people who want to help. And they really do want to help. People have offered to provide meals, provide childcare, clean my house, come with me to doctors' appointments, pray over me, run errands for me, and more. When I first announced my diagnosis to the rest of the staff at our meeting last week, I was comforted by their immense concern, encouragement, and support. The next day, in my box at church, I found a generous check from the deacons to help with our out of pocket medical expenses. Close friends have known how much we've struggled these last several months. Around Christmas time I received an anonymous envelope in the mail with a generous cash gift inside. I teared up when I saw it. What a kind offering, during such a busy time of year. It just made me so thankful that we have people in our lives who are willing to help in such immediate ways. And really, this is not a plea for cash donations, but I am hoping the person who sent it reads this and knows how incredibly grateful we were for their kindness :)

But with all of that said, I should tell you that the first week of treatment hasn't been all that bad. I had a hard week, but it was manageable, and for that I am really thankful. Tomorrow I increase my antibiotic dosage, so please pray that my body handles it okay. My accumulation of prescription drugs and supplements has become quite impressive over the last year. Between Aaron and I, our bathroom has officially become the Tiger Pharmacy.

I have been missing my Dad a lot this week as well. Time has calmed the initial jolting grief that you experience when you lose someone you love. I am also highly distracted by two young children, so days or weeks go by when I don't miss him much. However, this week I have missed him something awful. How is it that he is not here during the most trying times of my life? What would he say to me right now? I like to think that he would tell me to believe Jesus when He tells us not to worry. I think he would tell me the same thing he told me when he was still with us, which is "the most important thing, is that your heart belongs to Jesus."