Tiger Family

The climber

2012-02-07T20:47:00.000-08:00

Yep, that's Jubille standing on top of our kitchen table.....
I don't pluck her off anymore or even tell her to get down. There's no point. She will just climb back up as soon as she's put down. One day I stacked the chairs on top of the table so that she would have nothing to climb up with. My clever daughter took one of the toy baskets, turned it upside down and then climbed onto and nearly pulled one of the chairs off of the table and onto her head. So, I've given up.

Oh Jubilee, you are so cute, and sometimes, so exasperating.

Asa was many things as a toddler, but a climber he was not. I first realized Jubilee was a climber this summer when, at 8 months old, she would climb up the back of our lawn chairs and hurl herself over the back of them (I caught her every time....except once....but she was fine). I'm not sure what to do with my little climber except to let her climb and keep a close eye on her.

I had an encouraging appointment with my Lyme doctor about two weeks ago. She felt really positive about how I've responded to the treatment. So, we added another antibiotic and I have been slowly increasing my dosages. As far as how I've been feeling, well, I really haven't been feeling too bad. I have moments or even days that are icky, but nothing too awful. I have had some additional strange symptoms, such as waking up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat, freezing cold, awfully nauseated, and lightheaded. Fun! However, I am certainly not as bad off as I was over last spring, summer, and early fall. Thinking back to that time is actually quite traumatizing. They are not good memories, and I sometimes feel sad that those memories are associated with the first year of my sweet Jubilee's life. I do fear that it will get that bad again, but I don't fear it as much as I used to. I am deciding to believe that this is a time of healing, and that I am on the road to recovery.

And now to broach a subject that I have been avoiding...

Please be praying for my family as we head towards getting everyone tested. Lyme disease is sexually transmitted, and it also crosses the placenta during pregnancy. We will need to get the whole family tested. It is super expensive, so we are just going to test one family member at a time. We plan to start by getting Asa tested at a special lab in Seattle when we go down for my next appointment with the Lyme doctor. Most days, I can manage to not worry about this too much. After all, there's nothing I can do to control or stop what already is, except pray. And we have been doing lots of that! I am also comforted by the fact that knowledge is power, and that IF someone else in the family has Lyme, I know what to look for and I know what to do if something comes. up. If my understanding is correct, someone can test positive for the Lyme antibody and not necessarily GET Lyme disease. We will get everyone tested over time, and will wait to treat them if any symptoms emerge. Some days, I fall into worrying. This morning Asa complained about his knees hurting and I immediately felt anxiety wrap its ugly arms around my chest. I don't want my babies to be ill, haven't they been through enough in their short lives? The thought has been nagging at me all day, and I would appreciate your prayers. Please pray for us as we begin to get the family tested, and for my anxiety about it to be at a minimum or even non existent while we wait.

Four years

2012-01-25T21:01:00.000-08:00

Here is a picture to prove that Jubilee is actually growing hair. And it's curly! So cute!
Asa got Legos, puzzles, and some books on CD for his birthday. He was a little disappointed that he didn't get a remote control airplane, but I just couldn't bring myself to buy something that would require hours of standing outside in freezing cold temperatures. Maybe this summer!

He requested a blueberry cake with blue frosting.

Well, my baby boy turned four today. Asa is a delight and a gift. I can often feel bad about the amount of "upset" that he has had in his four years. My Dad called to tell me about his cancer when Asa was 4 weeks old, and it has felt like one blow after another since then. You just want your child's life to be peaceful, right? However, I know that God can and will redeem the trying times that have ocurred during Asa's life and use them for good. I pray often that God will put empathy and compassion in Asa's heart, and I see Him answering that prayer. I see intuition and sensitivity to others in my boy that are beyond his years. I pray that God will continue to nourish those traits in him.

Here is a quick run down of some highlights about Asa at age 4.....

* He still loves vehicles

* He wants to know how everything works. (pipes, motors, ovens, radios, computers, everything)

* He has a growing interest in books and his newest love is to listen to books on CD. We get a big stack from the library each week and he listens to them during his rest time and while he falls asleep.

* He has a deep interest in electricity that vascilates between fear, love, and curiosity

* He loves his sister and thinks she is the most hilarious person in the world!

* He LOVES his mommy. It's funny that from day one Asa has shown overwhelming love and affection for me. It is sometimes smothering and often humbling, but always flattering!

* He loves to wrestle and tickle fight with Daddy. Daddy is a much better imaginative player than I am, so Asa enjoys playing made up games with him.

* The boy loves kitties. Sorry Asa, mommy is super allergic so that's never going to happen.

* He enjoys time alone or with one other person. Lots of people and noise rattle him. He will probably be the kid who backpacks across Europe by himself when he's 19 (and worries his mother sick!)

* He loves to paint and play with play dough

* He is super interested in cooking and has become my official "stirer" when I am baking something

* He can write his name correctly about 75% of the time. He's got the "A's" down, but the "S" can be tricky sometimes!

* He enjoys going to preschool and has become good friends with one of his classmates

* He loves hearing Bible stories and when I read them to him at night, often pushes the book back into my arms and says, "One more please!"

* He wants to be a train engineer when he grows up

WHAT A GUY!

**A quick note about my health: I am doing pretty good. The treatment has not been as bad as I anticipated it to be. However, I am only taking one of several antibiotics that I will eventually be on. I am thankful for the days that I feel good, and look forward to feeling good EVERY day. I can't even imagine that! I meet with the Lyme doctor again tomorrow, and will update again if I get more information.

Lemon kids

2012-01-25T20:58:00.000-08:00

Apparently my kids like citrus!

Snowy days....

2012-01-25T20:40:00.000-08:00

"Pretend cooking"

Asa has been super interested in helping me cook lately, so he had lots of fun pretending to make things with his tray of "ingredients"

Warming up with cocoa after playing in the snow

Snowy days means LOTS of time stuck at home. We did manage to get out to play at least once every day. Asa loved playing outside (except for the day that it was only 15 degrees), but poor Jubilee was miserable with a cold and absolutely hated her snow suit and hat. She did, however, love sledding. We just plopped her on the sled and sent her down by herself. She got quite a thrill from the whole adventure and Asa loved it too.

To keep us busy inside our house, I got a little help from Pinterest. I found some fun ideas by entering "fun indoor activities for kids" into the search bar. If you haven't learned about Pinterest yet, I am not sure whether I should urge you to immediately start using it, or stay far away from it! It is a good way to waste lots of time, but I have gotten some good ideas from it as well.

Whose life is this?

2012-01-08T20:56:00.000-08:00

Snuggles before bed time

Sweet smiles

Doing what he does best: playing with vehicles

Tonight I am feeling overwhelmed with sadness. After my Dad died I blogged about being struck with "red hot jabs of memory." Greif is unpredictable and sometimes strange. I would feel fine for days or even weeks and then suddenly a jab of memory would hit: seeing his handwriting, remembering his voice, a glimpse of someone in a crowd who looked like him from behind. I have started another process of grief since my diagnosis with Lyme. It is very different, and yet very much the same. I think I am grieving the life that I thought I would have, or that I thought I "deserved." Everything from the "glowing pregnant mama," to the nice big family home, to the security we worked so hard to build has been different than I had hoped for and expected. Whose life is this? How did we get here? We tried so hard to do everything right so how did it unravel so fast? It was not part of the plan, I can tell you that much. But then I am reminded that it's not about what we do or how hard we work. God's grace gives us more than we deserve every day.

Well, I have certainly learned a lot from this. Some lessons are ones I've learned before that are being retaught.

In addition to being overwhelmed with sadness, I am also feeling overwhelmed with gratitude. Just look at the faces in those pictures up there! How did I get so lucky? I am also so grateful for our church community. This is a church who knows how to rally around people who are in crisis. Whenever I discuss my diagnosis with someone at First Pres, their first response is "how can we help?" I get offers, almost daily from people who want to help. And they really do want to help. People have offered to provide meals, provide childcare, clean my house, come with me to doctors' appointments, pray over me, run errands for me, and more. When I first announced my diagnosis to the rest of the staff at our meeting last week, I was comforted by their immense concern, encouragement, and support. The next day, in my box at church, I found a generous check from the deacons to help with our out of pocket medical expenses. Close friends have known how much we've struggled these last several months. Around Christmas time I received an anonymous envelope in the mail with a generous cash gift inside. I teared up when I saw it. What a kind offering, during such a busy time of year. It just made me so thankful that we have people in our lives who are willing to help in such immediate ways. And really, this is not a plea for cash donations, but I am hoping the person who sent it reads this and knows how incredibly grateful we were for their kindness :)

But with all of that said, I should tell you that the first week of treatment hasn't been all that bad. I had a hard week, but it was manageable, and for that I am really thankful. Tomorrow I increase my antibiotic dosage, so please pray that my body handles it okay. My accumulation of prescription drugs and supplements has become quite impressive over the last year. Between Aaron and I, our bathroom has officially become the Tiger Pharmacy.

I have been missing my Dad a lot this week as well. Time has calmed the initial jolting grief that you experience when you lose someone you love. I am also highly distracted by two young children, so days or weeks go by when I don't miss him much. However, this week I have missed him something awful. How is it that he is not here during the most trying times of my life? What would he say to me right now? I like to think that he would tell me to believe Jesus when He tells us not to worry. I think he would tell me the same thing he told me when he was still with us, which is "the most important thing, is that your heart belongs to Jesus."

An Answer

2012-01-04T09:01:00.000-08:00

(Sorry about the lack of paragraphs! For some reason Blogger isn't letting me split them up)

I have been given an answer to the cause of my suffering. It has been a week and it's still sinking in. But I am grateful to have an answer, and I've got the bloodwork, test results, and even pictures to prove it.

Where to begin? Back in April, after I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, a friend from college sent me a facebook message. She told me that she had seen on the blog that I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, and that I shouldn't acccept that diagnosis until I had been tested for Lyme disease. She herself had been diagnosed with Lyme disease. This new piece of information completely overwhelmed me. I was just beginning to come to terms with the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. I was focusing in and making major changes to get my symptoms under control. To start venturing off on a different path meant I would lose my focus and lose ground. Plus, I never remembered having been bit by a tick, so it couldn't possibly be Lyme. Nevertheless, I mentioned it to my naturopath and she ran a standard blood test to check for Lyme. Not long after that, I was informed that my test had come back negative.

A few months later this friend sent me another message, saying that she had seen I was diagnosed with an undifferentiated connective tissue disease. She had been diagnosed with the same thing, and suffered for years before being correctly tested for Lyme. The standard blood test, she informed me, was not accurate, and if I wanted accurate results I would need to get tested through a lab that specialized in testing for Lyme disease. Once again, I was burdened by this information. Another test? And this one NOT covered by insurance? Another doctor? Another possibility? I wasn't sure what to do.

Then, my health continued to get worse. This summer I was an enormous mess. On the outside, I probably looked completely normal, besides the fact that I had lost a considerable amount of weight. People closest to me could tell I was going downhill, but to most people, I looked just fine. I was NOT fine. It is impossible to describe what it's like to suffer day after day after day after day, with no end in sight. Doctors prescribing things like "a nice long walk" and "a good night's sleep" leave you feeling desperate and isolated. I could hardly do anything this summer. Days would pass when I couldn't eat. Week after miserable week would pass by, again, with no end in sight. I had strange and awful symptoms including tremors, passing out, night sweats, heart palpitations, facial numbness, severe joint pain, stabbing chest pain. I was so ill, I told Aaron that I sometimes worried I would not wake up in the morning.

I went to a doctor's appointment with Aaron in August. We were both desperate for help and we would do anything to get it. I sobbed in front of the doctor, begging for help. She slowly thumbed through my chart (I had seen this doctor at least a dozen times), looked up at me and said, "Have you tried taking regular naps?" I nearly lost my mind.

Then came a pivotal weekend in mid-September. We had planned to go camping as a family. This date had been on the calendar for weeks, and I just knew I would be too sick to go. I really wanted to go and feel at least OK. I prayed that my health would make a positive turn and that I would be able to go camping with the family. The weekend arrived and I was the most ill I think I'd ever been. I was FURIOUS! I just want to go camping with family for crying out loud, it's not like I was praying for a Mediterranean cruise!!! Aaron wanted to take me to the hospital, but I refused. What would they treat me for? They would give me a bag of fluid (which I was able to drink fluid just fine at home), give me a sedative and send me on my way with a nice fat bill to pay. After much consideration, Aaron decided to go ahead and take Asa camping, since Asa was so excited to go. I stayed behind with Jubilee, as miserable as ever.

This was probably my lowest point. I was beyond desperate. I put Jubilee to bed and collapsed in my own bed, Googling my symptoms for the millionth time. Something is wrong and no one is helping me. I looked up the name of the Lyme disease doc that my friend had passed along, and made a note to call her the next day. I cried on the phone to the receptionist, (she told me she gets that a lot!) and got as much information as I could. I confessed to her that I was afraid I would die of something that had gone undiagnosed. I was sick and no one could find anything wrong. The receptionist was a patient listener! Aaron and I talked when he and Asa came back from camping, and we decided to make an appointment.

The following week, I had my first experience with healing prayer. I have been a Christian my whole life and have been prayed for thousands of times. But I have never been prayed for like this. I sensed a change in and around me when this woman was praying for me. Afterwards, I felt no different physically, but for the first time in a long time, I had HOPE.

Not coincidentally, my friend who had informed me about Lyme asked me to call her the next day. I prayed before our conversation, that God would direct my thinking and emotions while we talked. As my friend and I talked, I could NOT believe how similar our stories were! I nearly cried from the relief of talking to someone who knew EXACTLY what I was experiencing. She directed me to a couple of websites and a documentary called "Under Our Skin." I urge you to please, please watch this documentary as soon as you can. Aaron and I watched it together that night, and kept looking at each other like, "Oh my gosh....I have Lyme disease!" After watching that movie, I was pretty convinced that I had Lyme, but I needed confirmation. I had my appointment with a Lyme specialist in mid-October, and went through the testing process. Then, on December 29th, I received the news that my Lyme test had come back strongly positive. "There is no doubt," were the doctor's words.

Along with Lyme, I have another parasitic illness which is causing a lot of these problems as well. I will be working with this doctor to treat both for the next several years. I started on antibiotics immediately and will be on them for a long, long time. There will likely be many unpleasant symptoms as a result of the treatment. As the bacteria dies off, the body can react strongly. So far, I have noticed some worsening of symptoms, but nothing too bad. However, I am only taking about 1/8 of the meds I will eventually be on. We are increasing doses slowly since things will "likely get worse before they get better." I've heard that before.

I can't even begin to put words to how I have felt this past week, but here are a few: overwhelmed, relieved, afraid, vindicated, angry, confused, giddy, sad. I will probably be recording my thoughts about this journey as I continue through it and start to untangle this web of thought and emotion. There are many things that I haven't touched on yet, that I will soon (this post is getting long and I have to stop somewhere!) Things like: getting the whole family tested, figuring out what our insurance will cover, whether or not I will get completely better, what life will look like for us while I'm in treatment. I don't know the answer to a lot of this yet. Aaron and I are so grateful to have an answer and a doctor who willing to see me through. Chronic Lyme is serious, but with correct treatment, I could actually get my life back. Please pray for us, and please educate yourself about Lyme disease. You can start by watching "Under Our Skin." It will be worth every minute!

Not sure what to say

2011-12-20T09:08:00.000-08:00

Aaron has been growing out his beard and it reached a point of craziness that I could no longer stand. He is now sporting huge chops and a mustache which is not my favorite, but it's better than the mayhem of that huge beard.

In the Northwest the term "indoor park" is one we use often in the fall/winter, even spring. Here is Asa at one of the many indoor parks we attend.

Well, I haven't been sure what to write. Family-wise, we are doing pretty well. We are heading towards Christmas with little to no stress. Oh how I love living in the Northwest. The culture is so completely relaxed. At times this drives me crazy (like when you need people to RSVP to an event), but during the holiday "rush" it's quite nice. We also aren't in a place financially to make a big huge Christmas happen, so we are keeping it super simple. We got a few gifts for each of the kids and think that as long as they are fairly oblivious about presents we might as well not go overboard. Plus, we really want to keep the focus on the birth of Christ, not on presents and parties.

The other reason we've been keeping it simple is because of my health. Sadly, I have taken a bit of a downturn and I just can't handle a lot of stress and running around. Everyday tasks have become hard again and symptoms I haven't had for a couple of months have returned. This is hugely disappointing to me. I am trying to not let the illness and the discouragement intertwine. If they do, they tend to make each other worse. I could use your prayers for my health, as usual. I continue to believe that Jesus is beginning a healing process in me. I need to believe this and not give up hope. I have been meeting with a Dr. in Seattle who has run a gauntlet of blood tests on me. She is one of the first doctors who really believes how sick I've been and doesn't dismiss it as "stress" or "anxiety." I think she will really help me get to the bottom of things. I will see her again late next week and will post an update if I learn anything new.

My children continue to grow and grow. Asa has kept me laughing through these hard days. When he gets dressed in the morning he says that he is "getting a new paint job." Putting on clean socks is "putting new tires on his wheels," and putting on clean underwear is "getting a new exhaust pipe." When we brush his teeth he says he is "cleaning out his grill." What a kid.

Asa

2011-11-29T20:43:00.001-08:00

Cute boy

The Christmas tree is up....we'll see how many ornaments the kiddos break this year!

Picking out the perfect tree to cut down

Explaining to me that the vacuum cleaner attachment he's holding on his back is an exhaust pipe

This is how we passed a very windy, cold Sunday afternoon

Peek-a-boo

Jubilee

2011-11-29T20:39:00.001-08:00

Love the leg warmers

What a funny, sweet little person Jubilee is. We're so glad she's ours!

Little Boone

2011-11-26T13:07:00.000-08:00

I have a picture of Jubilee that looks a lot like this. Cousins!

Sweet

New babies are so nice to take pictures of....they stay still and let you get right up in their face! If he's anything like my kids, pretty soon Boone will be batting at the camera, turning away, making silly faces on purpose, or just plain moving too fast to get a good picture of! This little guy looks A LOT like his daddy.

Quick update

2011-11-05T13:36:00.000-07:00

My beautiful bald girl

I am not a big fan of Halloween, but it was so much fun this year! Reason being, Asa was old enough to participate in all of the excitement that Halloween brings for kids. He had a blast trick-or-treating up and down our street and loved wearing his train conductor costume. He was probably old enough last year too, but I was less than 24 hours post-par tum, and trick-or-treating was the last thing on my mind.

Nothing big or unusual to report here, but I had a few minutes while both kids were down for rests so thought I'd post a quick update. Well, I guess the one thing that IS unusual is that my health has been quite stable the past 6 weeks! I have really needed this break. I have had a lot of joint pain the past week or so (hands and knees mostly), and twitching-lots of twitching, but the chronic flu symptoms have been quite manageable. I am thankful for this and also a little skeptical. I had a 2-3 month remission after having Jubilee, and when it came back, it came back with vengeance. I feel a little bit on pins and needles waiting for things to rear their ugly head. But I am really grateful for this time and believe it is a gift from the Lord. Please pray that it is the start of a new phase for me: having my health under some kind of control!

At one year old Jubilee has 6 teeth and still hardly any hair. She is in the 50% for weight and the 75% for height. She took her first steps on her birthday, and has done it a few times since, but still relies on crawling to get where she wants to go. Compared to her brother, she is a great sleeper and we are so thankful! She is typically up just once a night, but does sleep all the way through a couple of times a week. She has been sick this week and instead of getting up every hour or so, like Asa did (does?) when he was sick, she instead slept 12 hours straight. Nothing short of a miracle I tell you!

She has a handful of words, but they all pretty much sound the same. She holds entire conversations with us using only the sounds "da da" and "ba ba." I think we are all looking forward to her learning to talk because she relies on screaming to get her point across. Boy can that girl scream. I especially love it when Asa pipes up and screams along with her. Jubilee loves her big brother and wants whatever he is playing with. The sibling fights over toys have already begun! Like Asa, Jubi started out as a great eater and has progressively gotten more and more picky. However, this time around I'm not uptight about it. Asa's eating habits have gotten better and better and I know hers will too. She usually spends meal time screaming (not because she's upset, just for her own amusement), and/or trying to balance her food on her head. Yesterday she balanced two graham crackers on her head, it was quite impressive. She still hates the car, which makes driving anywhere a tense time. She is particularly fascinated with lights, and has just started having fun looking at books on her own.

Jubi can sign "all done" and is working on "more." She gets lots of attention in the grocery store because she smiles and waves at everyone, sometimes even blows kisses. Jubilee is also quite the little Houdini and can get out of most any situation in which she is restrained. The other day at Trader Joe's she managed to wriggle her way out of the seat belt, which was nice and tight, so that she was standing in the front part of the cart facing the opposite direction. Eek! She is cute cute and more fun than ever!

My year of Jubilee

2011-11-01T20:02:00.000-07:00

October 30th marked one year since the arrival of Jubilee. It was a fun filled day including her baptism, lots and lots of family, and even her first steps. To top it all off, our pastor preached on the topic of Jubilee! (We planned it that way. I'm on staff so I have some influence :)

What a year. The week leading up to her birthday, and these past couple of days I have been thinking a lot about the meaning of jubilee, and how we arrived at naming our daughter after the biblical year of Jubilee. When I first learned I was pregnant, I started campaigning hard for the name Esme (Ez-may). Then I read the Twilight series, and now the name Esme only reminds me of vampires. So I moved on to another favorite: Juliet. Meira was a close second. Aaron wasn't a huge fan of either of these names. We settled confidently on a boy's name that was perfect, but a girl's name just wasn't coming. When we found out we were having a girl Aaron handed the naming process over to me. This may sound strange to people, I mean, shouldn't a couple agree on what they name their child? However, Aaron was first hand witness to the awful (horrific?) time I was having with my pregnancy. And he knew a good name meant a lot to me, so he told me to choose whatever name I liked the most. I tentatively settled on Juliet, and continued to trudge miserably through my pregnancy.

Unlike most women who feel bad their first trimester and increasingly feel better, I felt bad my first trimester and increasingly felt worse as the pregnancy progressed. The last trimester was a nightmare of awful physical symptoms that left me practically bed bound. I also struggled terribly emotionally. I did not attach to my baby while I was pregnant. I just wanted her OUT. I looked at other pregnant women, glowing with love for their unborn child and felt terribly guilty. How could I not love this baby yet? At my lowest points, usually laying in a hospital bed, I found myself wishing the baby, the whole pregnancy would just go away. What kind of mother was I?! Thankfully, I was already a mommy and knew that once I had my baby in my arms, my feelings about it would change. I knew, from loving Asa, that this baby would mean more to me than my own life.

In came the name Jubilee. I had met one other person with the name Jubilee and thought, "That is a really weird name. What do they call her, Jubi or something?" For some reason when it popped into my head at about 28 weeks pregnant, it sounded like the most beautiful name in the world. I could hardly say it without smiling! I looked it up on dictionary.com, and the meaning read: a joyful celebration. I found the name to be incredibly redeeming of my horrible pregnancy. While those 9 months were miserable, the person resulting from them was worth celebrating. It was the happiest name I could think of, in the unhappiest months of my life. Once I'd thought of it, there was no going back. Jubilee Noelle it was!

Once I'd decided on the name, I began learning about the biblical Year of Jubilee. This was something that happened once every 50 years. It was a time when slaves were freed, debts were cancelled, and land was returned to its owners. Think of it as a release from bondage. When Jubilee was born, I felt as if I had been released from bondage. I was instantly in love with my daughter. She was more beautiful than anything I could have imagined. We bonded immediately, making up for lost time. What a gift I had been given.

Imagine my disappointment and agony when, three months later, I realized that during those 9 months I wasn't just pregnant, I was SICK. Sick with something that wouldn't just go away once the baby was out. Sick with something that drove me to nearly a dozen different doctors, seeking something - anything that would help. Sick with something that turned our plans upside down. Sick with something that has leaked us dry financially, required us to leave our home, made for countless miserable days, left us confused, exhausted, in need, depleted, and desperate for relief. Sick with something that not even my doctors knew what to do about. In many ways, it has been a dark year. The hardest of my life. Not the kind of year you want to associate with the first year of your darling baby's life. But......

I have to think back to the name Jubilee: what it means and why we chose it. I have been a Christian my whole life, but I am getting to know Jesus in a new way, especially these last few months. Jesus IS Jubilee. He frees prisoners. He cancels debt. He ushers in a new kingdom; one where our tears are turned to joy. Jesus is redeeming this awful year of illness, and the years (?) of illness to come. I have grown and learned so much during my year of Jubilee. Now, there may be some readers smiling out there as they read this saying, "Oh good, she's finally able to appreciate this time of trial and thank God for her tribulations." Um....no. I am not glad that I have had to go through this, and I am not thankful for my illness. I'm not sure Jesus wants me to be thankful for my illness. I don't think Jesus wants me to be sick. But I am thankful that He is our Jubilee. And I am thankful that He gave me a daily reminder of Jubilee, in a little person we call Jubi :)

The many faces of Jubilee

2011-10-16T19:04:00.000-07:00

Nap time respite?

2011-10-08T13:54:00.000-07:00

Riding the giant rocking horse at the apple farm.

Pumpkins! Jubi's first visit to the apple farm/pumpkin patch.

I have been trying to blog for several days. Today I was determined to get some pictures and info posted. It has been one of THOSE days with my little ones. For 1,000 different reasons, this day has been hard, but here are three of the big ones: 1. Jubilee desperately wants to be walking and keeping up with her brother and gets hysterically frustrated when she can't. 2. Jubilee HATES the car. Hates it. I drove around doing our errands this morning feeling like my head was going to explode from all of the frantic screaming coming from the back seat. Asa chimes in with his own bouts of hysteria since the screaming overwhelms him, understandably. 3. Aaron works lates shifts on Saturdays. This is hard because for most families, Saturday is a family day. They have things scheduled since they are off of work and school. Our friends are busy and we stay kind of isolated on Saturdays, which makes for a long day.

I am trying to take advantage of nap/rest time (Asa doesn't nap, but takes a timed quiet time in his room). Jubilee woke up after 30 minutes and I was going to try to get her to go back down, as her afternoon nap is her only nap of the day and if she didn't sleep longer she would be a mess until bed time. On my way to pick up her bottle from the living room I stubbed the toes on my right foot and most definitely broke the pinky toe, possibly the one next to it as well. So here I sit, baby screaming in her room, son watching the timer so he can come out of his room, toes taped and throbbing.......ugh.

I promised in my last post that I would write more about my health. This has been a hard task for me to get started on, as I am never sure what to say. People ask me about it all the time, and I am not sure what to say then either. This has definitely been a journey, one I wouldn't wish on anyone. But I know that God has placed people in my life who have shared their suffering honestly with me, and have encouraged me through their stories. So hopefully there is someone out there reading this who needs to hear it. I will try to write about my health off and on, as one post will not cover even a small part of this challenging journey.

I currently have two diagnosis: fibromyalgia, and undifferentiated connective tissue disease. In short, an UCTD is an auto-immune disease that doesn't fit into any one category. I've been told by my rheumatologist at UW that mine most closely resembles lupus, but I have not tested positive for lupus. The longer I live with this, the more I realize that the majority of my most troublesome symptoms are due to the UCTD. But this thing ebbs and flows constantly, so who knows what I'll be saying tomorrow!

What have I learned from this experience? Many, many things. But here's what I want to get across today. If you are healthy, APPRECIATE IT. Seriously, appreciate it people! You've heard it said before, and if it hasn't soaked in, take a moment to let it REALLY soak in. Appreciate your health, because it can change in an instant, and things may never ever be the same.

I struggle daily with symptoms, most of them completely invisible. I watched a documentary recently where a girl described herself as "invisibly ill" and "the walking dead." I competely understand this! I don't want to be a downer, but I do want to be honest. There are days, not every day, but certainly days where I feel like the walking dead, and nobody knows it. I can mask it with a smile. I can hide it by putting on a cute outfit and a little make up. But it's still there. People often ask me to describe how it feels. There are so many symptoms, and these symptoms vary in intensity and persistence. The best way I can describe my worst symptoms is that I have had the worst flu of my life for 2 years.

There are also good days. These days consist of symptoms that are quite manageable. These symptoms can be flu like or pain centered. Here are some other questions I get a lot.

* Have you tried adjusting your diet? Yes, I've gone to extremes.

* What about exercise? Would you want to exercise if you had the swine flu every day?

* How do you manage? I have to. I have two kids to take care of.

* Have you gone to a naturopath? Oh mercy yes. I've gone to just about every kind of doctor.

* What about chiropractic work and accupuncture? Check and check.

* Do you get plenty of vitamin D? I take tons of vitamin D. My levels always measure high.

* Would a massage help? A massage would be heavenly! But my insurance doesn't cover massage and it would not make my symptoms go away.

This is not to say that any of the above treatment options are "bad" or that I think they don't work. I have tried them all and think they are healthy choices for everyone, not just someone who is ill. I think that a lot of these options will work well for me as a way to MAINTAIN my health. But right now, I really need to focus on trying to get it as stable as possible, and then I can work on the maintenance stuff!

As I am re-reading this, I realize it sounds very negative. I am not trying to be negative, I am trying to be honest. With that said, there is something else I want to make clear. Jesus is my Lord and Savior, and I have no doubt that He is at the center of this. Although I never stopped believing IN Him, I went through times of feeling abandoned by Him. The past few months, I have realized that He is at the center of every moment of my life. He weeps with me, stays with me, rejoices with me, and celebrates the small changes/improvements with me. I believe that He wants to see me healthy and I believe that He CAN heal me. I believe in the power of prayer and recently have been learning a lot about healing prayer. I believe that He loves me and that I am not being punished by him. I pray daily to be delivered from this time of trial and believe that He hears me, even when that prayer isn't answered the way I want it to be. I believe that He can use my suffering to help others. I am certain that He is teaching me things that one can only learn through intense suffering and that those things will not only benefit me, but benefit His kingdom. As I write about my health, I will also write about my faith journey, as it has definitely evolved through this process.

Preschool

2011-09-21T20:18:00.001-07:00

Asa started preschool last week and it's been going really well. He is in a class with only three kids, two girls and him. Perfect, really. Asa gets completely overwhelmed in large groups and tends to withdraw and not want to participate. His teacher said that he is friendly with the little girls and participates in the songs, stories, crafts, and play time. My biggest concern was that they had a......TRAIN TABLE!!! This was fabulous news to Asa, but I could just picture it: a meltdown or persisitent whining or even a tantrum whenever a transition happened and it was time to come away form the train table. I've said it before, and I can't say it enough: the boy LOVES trains. He would stand at that table and play all day. His teacher, Miss Angie, has done a great job at using the train table as a reward for good behavior and for participating in other activities. Doing this, she says it hasn't been a problem. Phew! Asa seems to be excited to go to preschool. I admit it has been a little sad for me. Watching my big boy march off with his Thomas the Train backpack and seeing him participate in activities makes me both proud and sentimental.

In other news, I know that I haven't updated much about my health lately. There's a reason for that: I haven't known what to say. I'm processing through a lot of thoughts and emotions right now regarding my health, and I haven't felt ready to share. When I am ready, you can be sure that it will be honest and open. Two years of feeling sick everyday, while raising small children, has forced me to do a lot of thinking, changing, and reevaluating. I'm still trying to figure out how to communicate it all.

Welcome Boone Thomas

2011-09-14T08:21:00.000-07:00

My sister Amanda gave birth Friday night to this cute little guy. He was in no hurry to make his grand entrance into the world....poor Amanda went a week overdue! I think he looks quite a bit like his daddy in this picture, but in other pictures I think he looks a lot like Jubilee, which means Fowler genes are making an appearance. Look at those cheeks! Despite Amanda's slender, sleep appearance while she carried Boone, this guy was packing on weight and was a whole 8lbs 12oz, 21.5 inches long at birth. Big guy!

I feel like I have lots to update about: Asa's first day of preschool, Jubilee's latest adventures, my frustrations with potty training regression, my health, etc. It will have to wait.....I've got one bundle of joy crying on the toilet and another biting my ankles. Life calls!

This is for Amanda

2011-09-03T20:27:00.000-07:00

My sister is currently one day past her due date, and as every woman who has ever been pregnant knows, she is REALLY ready to get that baby out of there. Poor Amanda, being overdue could never be fun. So she told me I needed to post more pictures so that she has something to entertain her while she waits to go into labor.

So here we are, posting two days in a row! That never happens. I wanted to post more pictures of the ball of hilarity that Jubilee is. The third picture down is a face we see often. She makes this silly face all through the day. I think it started as something she did when she was excited, but now I think she does it all the time because it gets mommy and daddy to laugh. I threw in a cute picture of my boy as well. Asa has trains on the brain from morning until night. In fact he is in bed right now and I'm listening to him read train books to himself as he falls asleep.

Look out world....

2011-09-02T13:39:00.000-07:00

She's fast, she's loud, she's determined, and she has NO FEAR.

This little child has been absolutely exhausting me lately! She is into anything and everything, I can't turn my head for one second! She has also taken up biting. She bites us constantly: arms, legs, toes, neck. Ouch! Asa, thankfully, was never a biter, so if any mamas out there have some tips on how to get a 10 month old to stop biting, I'm all ears.

However, Jubi is tons of fun. Despite what the picture shows, she actually IS growing some hair. It's curly and blond in the back: so cute. After a long day or after a nap, those curls are a fuzzy mess sticking straight out in the back: so cute again. She wants desperately to keep up with Asa. Almost like clockwork, she has started turning up her nose to lots of foods she used to eat: just like Asa did between 9-10 months old. Jubi has started waving hello and dancing to music. She loves the bath and her favorite part of bathtime is sticking her face right into the water coming out of the faucet. Such a different child from her brother, she is. She holds things up all day long and asks "a dah?" (what's that?) It's amazing how much they grow and learn in 10 months!

How it's been going...

2011-08-12T10:47:00.000-07:00

Pretty Jubilee

Our library has a great summer reading program. Asa was happy to participate because he loves to be read to!

Throwing rocks with Daddy at Boulevard Park

Well, we are hanging in there. So far, the guaifenesin treatment has been extremely successful at making me feel reeeaaaalllly terrible. I suppose I should be excited because that's what it's supposed to do, and apparently that means it's working. But it's hard to "look on the bright side" when you feel so yucky and have so much pain. I am committed to following through with this treatment though, so on we go. Aaron and I fly back down to LA to see Dr. St. Amand on Monday, to see what kind of progress is being made.

Jubilee continues to be an extremely active baby. I cannot keep up with this girl. She is literally all over the place and into everything, much more than Asa ever was. Jubilee has been experimenting with language, which is fun to hear. Mama, Dada, baba, and nana are her four main "words." She has two little sharp teeth and is as cute as can be.

Asa's love is trains. He can't get enough. We talk about trains for hours every day. Asa starts preschool after Labor Day weekend. I am nervous, but very excited for him. With Jubi's unpredictable naps and my health, he doesn't get to be as active as I know he should be. So I'm glad that preschool will give him a chance to do that. My baby is growing up!

Undifferentiated Connective huh?!?

2011-07-29T17:00:00.000-07:00

Sweaters in the afternoon at the end of July. What a weird summer.

This is the face I get every time I say, "Asa smile!"

I've been working with Asa on some fine motor skills. Here was his little creation he made today, and he really enjoyed the activity. (P.S. Dont' be fooled by this photo. My house is not so organized that I label every bin, cupboard, etc. No, I borrowed this activity from the church and because my office at church is so small and used by so many volunteers, labeling is a must)

Gotta find just the perfect bead to put on next....

I spent all day at UW Medical Center on Tuesday with Aaron. Aaron's mom kindly watched the kids for us while we waited for and through a couple of different appointments. My appointment with the GI doc provided me with info I pretty much already knew, but she did prescribe a new medication, which I am hoping will help. The appointment with the rheumatologist brought some new information and I'm still figuring out what it all means.

The two rheumatologists I consulted with both feel that I have, in addition to fibromyalgia, an undifferentiated connective tissue disorder. This is another auto immune thing that means "something's wrong but we don't know what." In other words, it doesn't fit into a box. But my symptoms, complaints, and some recent changes in my bloodwork are making them think this is what's going on. My ANA (something measured in my bloodwork, not exactly sure what) has been positive the last three times it was checked. The ANA level can indicate an auto immune disorder. This most recent positive (from Tuesday) showed the the positive number was climbing. The rheumatologist believes this indicates the undifferentiated connective tissue disorder. These ambiguous things can turn in to more concrete auto immune disorders, such as lupus, but for now my diagnosis is the undifferentiated connective tissue disorder. A mouthful for sure and a mindful as well. I of course don't want something to be wrong, but this diagnosis brings a bit of vindication. It is so frustrating to have every test, blood draw, procedure come back perfectly normal when you know, THIS IS NOT NORMAL! My rheumatologist at UW told me that the reading on my bloodwork was definitely not normal, but the good news is that they can help me with medication. So onward we go, on our quest to find the RIGHT medication and the right approach to dealing with these crummy disorders.

Also, yes I am still forging ahead with my treatment provided by the doctor in LA. I am still really hopeful that it will help. It is not supposed to help immediately, as my body has to cleanse and detox from many years of build up. However, I am confident that it will help, at least some. I head back to LA to meet with Dr. St. Amand in the middle of August to see if any progress has been made.

Swimmin'

2011-07-27T13:18:00.000-07:00

This girl loves to make silly faces

This picture has crazy resemblance to my sister's baby pictures.

Jubilee had fun in the little blow up pool while Aaron and Asa went out for pancakes. Weeks of crankiness from this little person have resulted in her first tooth! One tiny razer sharp tooth poked through her bottom gums on Sunday afternoon.

Some fun with editing

2011-07-21T09:39:00.000-07:00

I really have no idea what I'm doing with our new camera...but I'm learning. Any recommendations for books to read on how to get started? "Photography for Dummies?"
Online photo editing sites are fun to play around with. The top picture looked a lot better and more focused when it was larger, but I had to include one of my boy!

There and back again

2011-07-16T21:48:00.000-07:00

We spent a lot of time at the beach
Sand!!!

Sand :(

My handsome husband doing what he loves at the beach: skipping rocks

There was a great park on Vashon

This was another "growing up" moment for Asa. He climbed the tall ladder and slid down the big slide all by himself!

Daddy's girl

This about sums up how I felt the majority of the trip: very serious, very miserable

Love seeing my babies play together

Early morning beach walk

Funny boy

We went to the Pacific Science Center on our way down to the Vashon Ferry. Asa spent 90% of his time at the Science Centere in this very place, driving this pretend car

Mama and Jubilee at the Science Center

Well I made it through our vacation! And by "made it through" I mean that I survived while feeling more miserable than I have in a very long time. On the evening of the 4th of July a flare up hit me out of no where and knocked me pretty much flat. I was actually dreading going on vacation. Although most of it was very close by (Seattle, Vashon Island) we had planned a packed week and I didn't know how I could manage getting us ready to go, driving, catching ferries, unpacking, getting the kids to sleep in a new place, etc. Despite the yuckies, I managed to really enjoy watching the kids play and seeing the beauty of the island.

After Vashon Jubi and I drove to my mom's house where we spent one day and then flew down to LA to see the fibromyalgia specialist. Boy was that a challenge. Jubilee was fine, it was her ill mother who could barely manage. By the time I got off the plan in LA, I felt like if there was a paramedic at the end of the jetway waiting for me with oxygen, a stretcher, and IVs I would have climbed right on and let them take me right to the hospital. When we reached the elevator on our way to baggage claim I burst into tears and told my mom I think I needed to go to the ER. We just stared at each other like, "what do we do now?" Well first things first, we had to get our baggage and we had to get our rental car. Once those two things were accomplished, we were two minutes away from the hotel which meant REST for me and hopefully some time to concentrate on getting fluids and food. It worked. By that evening I was doing much better. My appointment was on Thursday morning. Mom and I prayed together several times that Jesus would walk with us into that office and speak throug the doctor. I believe our prayers were answered. I am on a new regimen of treatment, and yes, things will get worse before they get better. I don't care. If it means I can have a life that even resembles my "past life" I will do anything. I left LA with more hope than I've had for a long, long time. The road ahead is long, however, and we will need your prayers.

Maybe next summer we can have that relaxing vacation? I've learned to stop planning, and just trust that it will happen sometime!

This boy

2011-07-04T20:26:00.000-07:00

Fun in the pool on the 4th of July

This is my "artsy" shot

Sweet face

It is very difficult to get a good picture of Asa, but our new camera makes it easy on me.

Getting so handsome and grown up!

This one reminds me of a senior picture....minus the nudity of course.

This boy has been growing up on me so much lately. It sounds very cliche, but it's true: it feels like just yesterday he was my tiny baby with eyes only for mama. He is branching out in ways that may seem small for some, but are absolutely huge for him. I am so proud of him!

* Asa has been trying (and sometimes even enjoying) several new foods. Chicken, cashews, bacon, quinoa, sunflower seeds, apricots, and sweet potatoes to name a few.

* He has loved splashing in the little pool and getting sprayed with the sprinkler or hose. Asa has some sensory issues, and the cold water all over his body was way too much for him. Swim lessons at age 18 months was an experience we may spend the rest of our lives trying to forget. When Asa was about 2, we decided to back off a lot and just let him pave his own way when it came to experiencing new things that bombarded his senses, such as swimming. This summer he has really been enjoying it, and it's so fun to watch him!

* Asa has been in big boy underpants for a month now with very few accidents! This is a huge step from where we were just a couple of months ago. We are still working on #2, but he's got #1 down pat. Way to go Asa!

* He has been practicing riding his tricycle up and down our drive way using the pedals.

* Asa asks to have Bible stories read to him, from the actual Bible. We keep a Bible on our kitchen table and sometimes while he's eating he asks me to read him a story about Jesus. We've been reading stories from the gospels. Of course, he usually gets distracted mid story, but I think it's so cool that he is interested in the Bible and is excited to hear God's word!

* This week, Asa has been going to "Off We Go" camp through the parks & rec department, which is basically a 2.5 hour structured play time for children obsessed with vehicles. Perfect for Asa! I was nervous about this new adventure. Other than 1 hour of Sunday school a week, this was the first structured event that I was sending Asa to without staying with him. Transitions are hard for him and he gets so focused on his playing that he often puts up a fuss when it's time to do something else. The first day was shaky, the second day was rough, the third day (today) his teachers said he did much better and transitioned well with no tears at all. Phew!

* Asa shows an interest in and concern for people who are sad or are ill. This is completely the Lord's doing. I pray every day that my health will somehow only effect my children in positive ways. I pray that they would develop empathy, compassion, and patience for those who are sick or hurt. I worry constantly that my limitations will negatively impact my children. But it's been encouraging to see Asa's concern for others grow. Truly an answer to prayer.

Her tongue is always like this...

2011-07-04T20:17:00.000-07:00

I am having so much fun with our new camera! I am learning the ins and outs of using a camera that requires more than just point and shoot. Photography is a great hobby for someone with a chronic condition: you can do a lot of it from a sitting position and it requires very little energy! (at least at the level I am currently at in my photography skills). I will likely be posting lots of the pictures I'm taking, so stay tuned for extra posts!

Jumbles of Jubilee Fun!

2011-07-02T14:52:00.000-07:00

We had VBS this week (hence the lei), and Jubi was along for the ride. One of the many fabulous things about my job is that I can have my kids with me, which brings its own challenges, but is also really wonderful. Plus, this job is waaaaaayyyyy easier than teaching. I love it!

On Thursday our little Jubilee turned 8 months old. Jubi is smiley, slobbery, curious, adorable and fun. She is working hard on crawling, but can get wherever she wants to go by belly scooting. She pulls herself up on anything and everything. The other day she "crawled" outside onto the deck, pulled herself up on Asa's picnic table, pushed the picnic table all the way across the deck, climbed onto the bench of the picnic table, pulled herself up to standing and then attempted to let go and balance. I'm worried about this one! My cautious son began crawling and pulling himself up at nine months old, and then didn't walk until he was 15 months old. Jubilee enjoys trying to hurtle herself over things like the back of the couch, the deck, our bed, her crib, etc. Sometimes she succeeds. I'm not sure how many times she has to fall before she realizes that it hurts when she lands. Most of the time I have a close enough eye on her that I catch her, but there have been times. Oh yes, there have been times.

Jubilee loves to eat! Her favorites include.....well, just about everything so far! She prefers to feed herself rather than be spoon fed, which is just fine. She also loves to try to eat non-food items such as grass, bark, book pages, our feet, and rocks. I have fished many strange items out of her mouth!

Jubilee is cute, cute, cute! She has absolutely no hair and no teeth. Her skin is so soft those rolls on her legs just make you want to nibble them. We have had a bit of a......rocky month with her. She has been on and off unbelievably cranky. During the hours between 4-7pm, Aaron and I look at our watches every 2 minutes, hoping it's time to put her down for the night! Could it be teeth? Perhaps. I think it's mostly separation anxiety in full force. If she is not in my arms, she is typically very upset. I often make dinner, do chores, and work with her strapped to my front. The girl can holler for sure. When she's mad, the whole house (neighborhood?) knows.

In true Tiger/Fowler form, she does not like to sleep. We had a good run, about 3 months, of what Aaron and I considered "good" nights. She was up usually only once to nurse and would easily go back down. She also went down for the night easily during that time. Now it is not uncommon for her to scream for.....a while before she falls asleep. I am not a parent who rocks and coddles her child if they aren't asleep when they hit the crib. No, Asa broke me of this. If I waited for her to be sleeping peacefully before I left the room, I would be in there all night. She is not a regular napper, much to my chagrin.

We have been working with Jubilee on taking a bottle or sippy cup of formula. This choice is wrapped in many layers of emotion, turmoil, and disappointment. After my last flare up, it was very apparent that I need more help for my fibromyalgia than fish oil and a special diet can provide. We are beginning to work on weaning Jubi so that I can take medication. Jubilee is reluctant, which makes it very hard! We have been working at this slowly, and I am not sure when the actual "cut off" will be. Both her and I will be very sad, I'm sure.

Despite her poor sleep patterns and stretches of crankiness, Jubilee is an absolute delight. When I found out I was having a little girl, I couldn't imagine it! I so enjoyed having a boy and couldn't picture anything but planes, trains, and automobiles. I couldn't picture life with a girl, and now I can't picture life without one. This girl keeps me on my toes and makes me smile a thousand times a day. What a gift she is to us!

A move, a baby, a train, and a trip

2011-06-25T09:43:00.000-07:00

This is our new little house. We are moving things in slowly and will start moving furniture tomorrow. It's a cute house in a great location. It is bittersweet, however. I wish we didn't have to leave our current house under these circumstances. However, living in a house with so many stairs is just impossible for me right now.
Jubilee has been ultra cranky lately, but you wouldn't know it from this picture. For the most part she is a happy little eater.

Asa's new love interest is *trains.* Aaron made him this cardboard "train" and Asa insisted on eating his meals in it for a while.

I had forgotten how completely messy meal time is with a baby! We typically take her straight from the table to the bathtub.

Cute bald girl! I realize that my picture equity between my son and daughter is a bit off. It is nearly impossible to get a decent picture of Asa. As soon as the camera comes out he runs away or at least can't sit still long enough for me to take his picture. Most of my pictures of him are of the back of his head. But I really do try!

The past couple of weeks have been the hardest weeks for me healthwise since my diagnosis in March. Every day I find myself saying, "I cannot keep living like this!" I am tired of being miserable. I usually shed some tears every day as I grieve what feels like my "past life." The life where I could eat anything, do anything, try anything, go anywhere, run 10 miles and still have the energy to get up the next morning and do it all again! Some days I feel closer to the point of acceptance, and other days I just feel stinkin' mad!!! These feelings brought me to the decision to take a trip. My mom has a friend in Fresno who has fibromyalgia, along with 4 other autoimmune disorders. She sees a doctor who specializes in fibro. I spoke with her on the phone recently, and have been reading about this doctor's methods and beliefs. I decided to go for it and make an appointment to go see Dr. St. Amand. My appointment is on July 14th, and I am lucky to have my mom coming with me. Jubilee will tag along and will surly get lots of oohs and aahs from the doctors and nurses at the clinic. Please pray that this leap of faith pays off for us. From everything I've read, it appears that the onset of treatment will at first make my symptoms worse. I can't imagine! But if it means I will feel better, it's totally worth it. I've been spending time reading stories in the New Testament about healing, and have taken to praying like Blind Bartemaus, "Son of David, have mercy on me." There is so much hope in the Bible and I am finding it necessary to draw my strength from His promises.

The whirlwind update

2011-06-13T21:46:00.000-07:00

Asa was quite ambivilent to Jubi's existence up until about a month ago. She laughs at everything he does and watches him with deep concentration. Asa has picked up on her interest in him, and enjoys entertaining her and making her laugh.

It took until June to break 65 degrees. We enjoyed some time outside during our handful of nice days.

Asa spent a full day puking, followed by 11 days of fevers ranging from 101-104. It was a loooong couple of weeks. He spent the time watching lots of TV, snuggling with us on the couch, and just generally being sad and miserable. The wonderful news about this boy is that he is 90% of the way to being potty trained during the day. With #1 that is, not #2 yet. But this success is hugely exciting, since a month ago we were at a 0% success rate.

Jubilee has been dazzling us with her yoga poses and her ability to remain in push-up position for long periods of time. Notice her little toes on the grown behind her. This seems to be her favorite position.

She has also been enjoying lots of solid foods. This has not quenched her desire to nurse at all. But after the first few weeks of pushing every spoonful of food away, she seemed to get used to the new tastes and textures and eats pretty well. Like her brother before her, she hates to be spoon fed, and I am faced again with the challenge of finding finger foods for a child with no teeth.

I am still working through my elimination diet with full conviction! After almost 8 weeks, it is feeling less like a diet and more like the way I am used to eating. The first couple of weeks were rough, but once I found a handful of good recipes and was able to add in a few important groups (beans this week, wow!), it began to feel very manageable. Most days I feel like it helps with my fibro symptoms. That is *helps*, not eliminates them.....no, I can only wish. Later this week we will be adding something really exciting: eggs!

Keep us in your prayers. We've got lots of balls in the air right now including moving to a new house. More on that later, but we'd appreciate your prayers as moving while living with chronic pain and flu symptoms isn't going to exactly be easy. But we've got a great church, a great family, and I know this move is the best choice for our family.

Two years

2011-05-15T14:37:00.000-07:00

Today I have been thinking a lot about how grief and joy often intersect. This day marks two years since my Dad's death. In a few minutes Asa and I are heading out the door to his little friend Ellliot's 2nd birthday party. The day my Dad died, I had been anxiously anticipating a call from my friend about the birth of her son. She was several days overdue and was being induced. My friend had had multiple miscarriages, so the birth of a full term healthy baby was certainly a joyous ocassion. Before I received the news that Elliot had been born, I got a call from Mom saying that Dad had gone home to Jesus. And so life begins, and it ends.
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Asa's first year and a half of life was a strange mix of grief and joy. And now Jubilee's first year has been similar: mourning the change in my health yet celebrating the new life we welcomed to our family on a cold night in late October. I am thankful that joyful ocassions and celebrations can be mixed in with the difficult moments/days/years.
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So two years ago today we said good bye to Dad's earthly life. I still miss him and wish he could play with Asa and hold Jubilee. But our hope is in Christ, and we know that Dad is with Him. Pain free, disability free, and fully worshiping God.

To lighten the mood

2011-05-05T21:50:00.000-07:00

Sweet smiling Jubilee. I love that bald little head!

My little fireman

Thought you'd enjoy some recent pictures of my little ones. Asa is almost 3 1/2 and Jubilee was 6 months old on April 30th. Jubilee has started in on solid foods and I find that I'm spending large parts of my day just cleaning up after her meals. Asa napped this afternoon, which means that at 10:15 pm, he is still upstairs chanting, singing, and shouting various requests to me from his room.

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A few days ago I started in on an elimination diet to see which foods/food groups contribute to my symptoms. The elimination diet is hard core, but I am really hopeful that it will reveal some answers for me. Ever wonder what guar gum is? I can tell you! Curious about what raw teff tastes like? I'm your girl. Looking for different ways to prepare quinoa? Did you know that brown rice can be ground and turned into porridge? Were you aware that real organic maple syrup will run you about $12 for an 8 oz bottle, and that sunflower butter will cost you approximately $18.00 for 10 oz? I have learned that dulse flakes are gross, agave nectar is yummy, and a smoothie made with kale and ginger makes an interesting breakfast. I am not aloud to have any tea or coffee, but I am aloud to have raw dandilions leaves in hot water.....a sad little substitute. Really, it's not bad at all. My sweet husband is doing it with me, and together we will discover many new ways to prepare wild rice and kudzu.

The Giant

2011-04-30T17:31:00.000-07:00

Today has been a bad day. Bad, bad, bad. It's not frustration with my children and it's not a dirty house or a long to-do list. Oh, if only those were the biggest things I were wrestling with right now. The past few days my symptoms have reared their ugly head and it has made life quite miserable. Despite my drastic diet changes, obviously other things are still triggering symptoms. My most recent visit with my GI doc led to conversations about hormone deficiencies, endocrinologists, more lab work, invasive tests, eating radioactive isotopes through scambled eggs....yes, that is a test I will probably be taking. It feels like I can't get to the bottom of this mystery. More doctors appointments, more tests, more procedures, more unanswered questions....it all feels like too much. I would say "no" to all of it if I weren't so desperate for an answer and some help.
_____________________________________________________
It is difficult to explain what a fibromyalgia "flair up" feels like. Really, before I had experienced it, if I heard someone describe how it feels, I might think they were making it up. I was doing some research today on a fibro clinic in Seattle. On their website they quoted one of their patients: "I felt like I had the flu every day, and every so often in the midst of that flu a semi truck would come and run me over." Bingo. That about explains it.
_____________________________________________________
When I feel like this I can easily slip into despair and fear. Thoughts like "I'm going to feel like this the REST OF MY LIFE, are you serious?!?!" crowd out all of the positivity I've been mustering. I have to fight back tears often on these days because I look at my kids and think about how inadequate I feel to care for them well in the midst of pain and misery. When I am most miserable, it's easy for the weight of it all to feel like it's crushing me. I start thinking beyond the illness itself and start looking at the big picture: What does this mean for our future, finances, children, family, lifestyle, jobs, house, plans etc. We had a plan and this was not part of it! This weekend, I had planned to drive down to Portland with Jubilee for a good friend's wedding. I decided a few weeks ago that my health wasn't stable enough to embark on this little road trip. This just fueled the fire of my frustration today. I am supposed to be having fun at a friend's wedding like a normal 28 year old, not holed up in my house unable to get off the couch!!!
_____________________________________________________
Today while Jubilee napped and Asa happily played with his cars, I began to feel crushed by the weight of this giant. I went to my room, locked the door, turned on the heater so that Asa couldn't hear me....and sobbed. I cried to God, and my prayer was simple: Help me.
_____________________________________________________
There is a lot I don't understand about God's mysterious ways.....His priority list is always different than mine. But one thing I am certain of is that Christ is ALIVE and that His life shines through His people. I saw evidence of this today. When Aaron came home from work today he brought in the mail. I had received a card from a good friend that I work with who has experienced more than her fair share of suffering. The front of the card reads: "You're facing a giant--mean, ugly, and unfair. It looks impossible--but looks are deceiving. God is on your side and He doesn't just stand by and cheer you on--He rushes into the battle to fight for you. Others are fighting for you too--in confidence and hope, with many prayers."
_____________________________________________________
Thank you for the prayers that I know you are saying on our behalf.

Humble Thyself

2011-04-20T21:55:00.000-07:00

We have started solids with Jubi! It is not going well!

Dying Easter eggs

Popsicles in the 40 degree weather My babies!

I know, the huge bow is ridiculous!

Learning to adjust to life with chronic symptoms has beeen interesting and very trying. As a result, I have had some very humbling experiences lately.

_____________________________________________________ Since being diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I have started weekly physical therapy sessions. I have had a crazy number of appointments the past few months. Physical therapy has become one of my priorities amongst the endless appointments. I like my physical therapist and she has given me some great tips for managing this illness. Today, we spent part of our session doing "pool work." I was instructed to bring my swim suit and was assured that the pool was at a steady "arthritis comfort temperature." Um......okay. Apparently "arthritis comfort temperature" means warm, very very warm.
____________________________________________________As I climbed into the pool today, I couldn't help but notice that I was the only person under 60 (maybe 70?) years old in the pool. The Sesame Street song, "One of these things is not like the others" started to run through my head. I had to laugh out loud!
_____________________________________________________ This is just one of many humbling experiences I've had over the past year or so. When I was expecting Jubilee, I had to depend on other people to do A LOT for me. This did quite a little number on my pride. But I really had no idea just how much my pride was still hanging around and would soon be crushed....obliterated....completely demolished. Asa loves to look through our photo albums. I was flipping through one with him the other day and came across a picture that Aaron took of me after I had finished my third half-marathon. I was smiling, healthy, and fit. Tears stung my eyes when I saw this picture. That was just 5 years ago! About six months before I got pregnant with Asa. My, what a lot has happened and changed since then.
_____________________________________________________I have seen God's hand in nearly every step of the last 4 years. There were times that I felt abandoned, only to realize later that He was really there, and always will be. I know that God is using this situation to work over my pride. And boy, is He doing a good job of that. Here are a few examples...
_____________________________________________________When Asa was a baby I did strictly cloth diapering (except for long car trips or when he got bad diaper rash), and also made all of my own baby food for him. I definitely realized that part of the reason I was able to do this was because I only had one child. However, I admit to quietly looking down from my high horse at those disposable diapers and jarred baby food. Well, let me tell you folks, there is no cloth diapering happening around here. I still believe it's the best way to go for babies and the environment. But there is just no way that I can manage it right now. The laundry I deal with daily is almost more than I can handle....and I only have two small children! The lifting, the bending, the climbing stairs to put laundry away, sometimes my whole body aches from this process.
_____________________________________________________I nursed Asa until he was almost two years old. This was partly because I believed it was what's best for him, but largely because he was impossible to wean. He demanded to nurse constantly. Weaning him was not a natural or easy process at all. I finally cut him off at 21 months when I got the swine flu and couldn't keep my milk supply going. I prided myself on this fact. "Look at me, I nursed WAAAAYYY beyond the recommended amount of time. Gold star for me!" I am currently nursing Jubilee and have enjoyed doing it for the past 6 months. However, since being diagnosed with fibromyalgia I realized something: You cannot take strong meds when you are nursing. I knew this of course, but never really had to think about it until now. On the bad days, Tylenol and Advil don't cut it. I am torn between wanting to continue nursing Jubi, and wanting to feel well. I am keeping at it for now, but am taking it on a week by week basis. _____________________________________________________I am convinced that there is a dietary component to fibromyalgia, though most of my doctors deny this. I have been working on figuring out what it is that triggers the symptoms. So far I've eliminated gluten, dairy, citrus, coffee, alcohol, and foods/medications that contain sulfa. Feeding myself with these dietary restrictions, while feeding my extremely picky 3 year old has been very challenging. I used to be able to eat anything. And I loved to eat anything as long as it didn't contain sweet pickles. It's been a sad adjustment: I miss my morning cup of warm coffee and my ocassional glass of wine. But I am determined to figure out what foods/groups of food trigger my symptoms.

____________________________________________________ Last week we received some terrible news. My cousin, a young mom of five, was just diagnosed with rare and aggressive thyroid cancer. Does the storm ever end? I am beginning to think that it doesn't. Jesus tells us that "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!" Thank goodness for that. This world is broken and cruel to people. Illness is relentless, trauma inevitable. I am praying for my cousin and am so thankful that she knows Jesus. Please say a prayer for her and her family as well. I am learning that my pride has made me rely on my abilities. What happens to our abilities and our bodies is often largely out of our control. I am learning to rely on Christ instead. It is a work in progress.

Counter tops, among other things

2011-04-09T09:17:00.001-07:00

My babies are just getting so big!

Strange how life continues to click along, even in the midst of difficulty. My kids are growing and changing every day. Jubilee is rolling, rolling rolling. She is working on sitting up with support and has decided that naps aren't very cool. Asa is such a tall, handsome boy. He loves to go on hikes with his walking stick and has entire Veggietales songs memorized. This weekend he is spending two nights and two days with his Nonni and Poppi (Aaron's parents) down in Tacoma. Funny how he was making me completely crazy this week, but as soon as he's gone I miss him terribly. The house is just too quiet without him. ____________________________________________________Yesterday I had my first "Fibro Pathways" session with a physical therapist. I will be spending an hour each week with this therapist, learning some techniques to manage the pain. I left my first appointment with a ton of information and a bit of hope. The first question she asked me during our session was, "Do you feel helpless and out of control when your pain flairs up?" YES!!! That feeling of trapped helplessness is just awful. She discussed some things we could work on to prevent flair ups, and how to manage them when they do come...which they will. _____________________________________________________This whole process has really required us to hunker down and focus on what our priorities are. A few months ago, one of my top priorities was getting my counter tops replaced. One of the many quirky things about our little house is the dark green, cheap laminate counter tops. I don't like them. I have wanted to replace them since we moved in almost 6 years ago. Well, you know how it goes, other house projects trumped the counter top replacement, and tuition and children seemed to use up the rest of our cash flow. A few months ago, before things started to get out of countrol, I began to think that new counter tops might be possible! I wasn't wishing for high-end granite, just a step up from the awful color and the cheap appearance. ____________________________________________________Well, it's upsetting to see your hard earned money go towards large, unexpected medical bills for tests that came back "inconclusive." After writing substantial checks for many of these bills, I knew that new counter tops would not be possible.....and probably not that summer vacation we had hoped for either. As soon as I admitted this to myself, I entered into a black hole of self pity. If I had expressed my feelings out loud, I would have sounded like a whiny five year old: "It's not FAAAAIRRR! I want it, I want it! So-and-so gets something nice and new, why can't I have it too?!" Suddenly, I began to not just dislike my counter tops, I despised them. For years, we've had pieces of laminate break off around the edges of these counter tops. We have continued to just glue them into place, thinking that someday we'd have a nice new counter that didn't continuously flake away. Several times over the last few weeks I've taken a corner too sharp around the kitchen counter and knocked one of these precariously glued pieces off. "Plink." There goes another piece, on the floor. !!!EXPLETIVE!!!________________________________________________But new counter tops don't make you closer to God. And they don't make you more like Christ. _____________________________________________________God's goal for us is not to be happy or to have new things or to be healthy. His goal for us is to become more and more like His son Jesus. This process is not easy, and not really fun either. I am not saying this to preach. I am mostly saying this as a reminder to myself. The past 4 years have definitely brought me closer to God, because I've had nowhere else to go but Him. And if hardship is what it takes to make me closer to Him, then I suppose I am blessed. But that is a really hard pill to swallow.

____________________________________________________My sister sent me a blog to read, in which I have found a lot of encouragement. You should read it: http://www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/ In one post, Katie tells the story of an elderly Ugandan woman whose life is infinitely harder than mine. I have gone back to read it almost daily, especially on the difficult days. She writes: "That even this, it is from Him. Even this, it is holy ground. This thing that I label suffering, it is really joy."

fibr - "O MY!" - algia

2011-04-01T22:38:00.000-07:00

*Fibromyalgia: a syndrome characterized by widespread pain in the joints, bones, tendons, and muscles; undue chronic fatigue often plagues patients with fibromyalgia; digestive issues accompany this syndrome, including abdominal pain, nausea, extreme food sensitivities, unexplained weight loss or weight gain, and irritable bowel syndrome; sufferers of fibromyalgia complain of chest pain accompanied by shortness of breath and sometimes heart palpitations; fibromyalgia can mimic flu-like symptoms when no virus is present; other symptoms of fibromyalgia include headaches, painful menstrual periods, blurred vision, dizziness, tingling and numbness in arms and legs, and cognitive and memory problems (commonly referred to as "fibro fog.") _____________________________________________________ *Barrett's syndrome: The change from normal to premalignant cells in the esophogus is typically characterized by: severe heartburn, sharp pain in the rib cage and upper abdomen, nausea and vomiting, trouble swallowing, unintentional weightloss, and pain when eating. _____________________________________________________ *Well, it has been a rough several weeks around here. On March 24th I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia by a rheumatologist. This information comes with a strange mixture of sadness and relief. If you have the time and energy to keep reading, I will tell the "short" version of this very long story! _____________________________________________________ *I have had odd and painful symptoms dating back to when I was very newly pregnant with Asa. It started with chest pain. One day I woke up and I felt like I had someone sitting on my chest. The pain became sharp, almost stabbing. It radiated down both of my arms and made my shoulders and elbows ache terribly. I often felt short of breath, and even felt like my heart was beating way too fast. Alarmed, I talked to my regular physician and my OB. I was told that "pregnancy does strange things to one's body." I continued to press the issue: I certainly wasn't imagining this pain. Once I became obnoxious enough, my OB referred me to a cardiologist. The cardiologist did some tests with a little monitor that I wore for 48 hours. I was deemed perfectly healthy. This chest pain, joint pain in my shoulders and elbows, shortness of breath and fluttering heart continued the whole pregnancy. It would subside for a week or two, but then flair up again. I remember once laying on the couch in tears because it hurt so bad. _____________________________________________________ *After Asa was born the mysterious chest pain went away. Well, we all know that 4 weeks after Asa was born life got pretty hectic. We soon realized that Asa didn't like to sleep.....ever.....at all. Aaron started graduate school, and then there was the issue of my Dad being diagnosed with terminal cancer. The following months were extremely hard. Physically, I felt pretty awful. I lost a bunch of weight unintentionally, I was profoundly exhausted all the time, my body ached, my hair got thinner. I chalked it up to stress, because really, I was certainly under a lot of stress. _____________________________________________________ *Fast forward 2 years. We had this crazy idea that we wanted to have another baby. Asa was 2 now, life would be settling down in a few months once Aaron graduated (or so we thought). As I was considering getting pregnant again I experienced something very strange. I had severe joint pain in every joint in my body. It sounded so odd to say out loud that I thought I must be crazy. I went to the doctor several times saying that my whole body ached: every joint hurt. The chest pain was back as well. After weeks of this I went to see a rheumatologist who did a quick exam and said perhaps it was some mild arthritis. The pain in my joints gave way to what I thought was the flu. I was terribly nauseous, dizzy, exhausted, and strangly, my vision was blurry with white light spots in it. As my symptoms started to ease I thought that I was finally getting over this "strange virus" that I had gotten. About 10 days later I found out that I was pregnant. WHAT?! While I was expecting to be pregnant sometime in the next 6 months or so, I was NOT expecting to be pregnant 15 minutes after deciding to try to get pregnant. _____________________________________________________*I don't need to rehash the gloomy details of my second pregnancy. In short: severe nausea was my constant companion the entire 9 months. But it didn't stop there. I was also dizzy, disoriented, exhausted, weak and depressed. There were times that my body felt so weak that I could hardly lift the carton to pour Asa his milk. There were times I felt so lightheaded and disoriented that I couldn't leave the house. These symptoms lasted....hmmmm, let me see if I can remember....oh yeah, FROM THE DAY I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT UNTIL THE DAY I PUSHED HER OUT OF MY BODY! I went to my OB every two weeks (outside of the many wonderful times I had to go in to be rehydrated), and said through tears, "Something is wrong. I feel like my body is shutting down. I feel like I'm being poisoned." My OB would give me a slightly annoyed glance while he wrote down instructions for me to take Zantac and drink Gatorade. He, a man who had obviously never been pregnant told me more than once that I "really needed to get my anxiety under control." I was hopeful that the symptoms would go away completely once I had Jubilee, but I was skeptical. Something really felt wrong. _____________________________________________________ *After having Jubilee, I felt significantly better!.....but not great. I was able to do most things and enjoy life, which was a huge improvement over the previous 9 months. I attributed my lingering symptoms to sleep deprivation with a newborn, or perhaps hormones, or maybe it was just the stress of now having two children. Whichever way I looked at it, I could tell that something was still going on. I finally admitted it to myself, and to my husband, when the joint pain and flu like symptoms set in again. This felt strangely familiar. It was exactly how I had felt for about two months right before I got pregnant with Jubilee. After many tests, doctor visits, and frustrating appointments with specialists, fibromyalgia was the diagnosis I was given. I wasn't surprised. In fact, I had diagnosed myself exactly one week prior.... _____________________________________________________ *I was reading a book late at night because I couldn't sleep (sleep disorders are one of the symptoms of this syndrome). The book is called "Expecting Adam," a memoir by Martha Beck. It's a wonderful book and I highly recommend it. There is a chapter near the beginning of this book that discusses how she felt during her pregnancies. The weakness, the dizziness, the pain, and of course the epic nausea. As I read her description of how she felt, I had to swallow hard. This description was EXACTLY what my pregnancy was like and reading such a vivid explanation of those 9 monhts brought back terrible memories. I debated whether or not I really wanted to continue reading this book, and then decided to turn to the next page and read a little further. There, at the top of the very next page she wrote "Years after my last pregnancy had cleared, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease called fibromyalgia." _____________________________________________________ *Whoa. My whole body went numb when I read these words. I read them again, and then a third time. Talk about a moment of clarification. I felt an instant connection with author Martha Beck. If she had been in the room that night I probably would have curled up on her lap and sobbed. Finally, someone knew exactly how I felt. Finally, I could list my symptoms and not have people (including highly trained and highly paid physicians) look at me like I was crazy. I put the book down and started reading about fibromyalgia online. All of the symptoms listed on the websites were exactly what I had been experiencing. I also read a few studies on pregnant women with fibromyalgia. The results from these studies indicated that: Women with fibromyalgia tend to have exaggerated pregnancy symptoms that worsen during the third trimester. This is definitely how it was for me. _____________________________________________________ *An endoscopy (camera down the throat to examine the esophogus, stomach, and upper small intestine) confirmed the diagnosis of Barrett's syndrome by the GI doctor. While the symptoms are painful, this is something that can be managed pretty well with medication, and staying away from foods that cause reflux. I'm still learning what those foods are, but through trial and error I have found that dairy and citrus are major culprits. _____________________________________________________ *Well, there's the whole story. I should note that neither of these syndromes are life threatening. While Barrett's syndrome can lead to cancer cells growingin the esophogus, treating it early on removes the possibility of this happening. I have been dealing with this information as best as I can. I start physical therapy next week, which will hopefully help with the pain. When I am really feeling bad or am in a lot of pain, I have to be careful not to panic. This syndrome is chronic and there is no cure. There are, however, things I can do to help improve how I feel. I'm not sure what those are yet, but am hoping to learn more at the long list of appointments I have coming up, including a day or two down at UW Medical Center. The part of this news that brings me relief is just knowing that all of the strange and difficult symptoms I've had over the last 4 years have been pieces to the same puzzle. I have many more thoughts buzzing around in my head over this issue. As I think about living with this syndrome I go back and forth between feeling strong and courageous to feeling weak and afraid. I have dealt with a lot of anger, fear, and "why me?" moments. I can see that God is teaching me a lot through this, though I wish He could teach me these things through something less traumatic....like maybe just a vivid dream or by watching an episode of Oprah or something. You can count on my blog posts over the next while to be largely about this journey I'm on. I hope not to bore you, but I know that writing these things down can be very helpful. Thank you for your time, and prayers.

Because I have time...

2011-02-28T18:51:00.000-08:00

Asa enjoyed soaking up every last bit of the snow
Happy happy!

Asa has developed a huge fear of outlets. It's a long story. We've been making progress, especially with these cute little animal shaped outlet covers.

Yes, those would be socks, sandwich baggies, and rubberbands on his hands. His mittens were soaking wet from a previous romp in the snow, so these did the job.

* Today has been a strange day. Jubilee and I have had a little flu bug, so she and I have spent the day at home while Aaron and Asa had many adventures in the snow. As a result, I've had lots of time to load pictures and update the blog. Enjoy the pictures!

We're still here!

2011-02-28T15:56:00.000-08:00

Cute kids!
Aaron made a sand table for Asa for his birthday. It's gotten lots of use.

More bathtime fun

Jubi's personality is emerging more and more. She is silly, smiley, squirmy and delightful!

* Yep, we are still here! I seem to post in spurts on this blog. We've been busy with nothing in particular. Aaron and I often remark that, even when our time is open and not committed to anything, it fills up instantly with the needs of two little kids. It is a wonderfully challenging joy! But we certainly have our days.

* Jubilee is growing so fast, each day brings new development and changes. She blesses us with sweet giggles and big happy smiles. She has recently discovered her voice, and her sweet quiet babbling has turned into loud shrieks and screams. We won't be surprised if she is a chatterbox like her brother.

* Asa is quite the little dude, and certainly lets us know how he prefers things. Parenthood is strange. I am amazed at how quickly I can go from smitten and captivated to flabbergasted, shocked, and annoyed! I can see that the year of "3" may be a challenge. I am lucky to have lots of mama friends who I can comiserate with, but who also remind me to be thankful for these ages and stages, even when they are hard!

Three jubilant months of Jubilee!

2011-01-30T20:00:00.000-08:00

Minus the red eyes, this is the best picture I have of them together. It only took 3 months!
Oh, what a piglety little piglet that Jubi!

Sitting up is exhausting.

* Our sweet baby is 3 months old today. Infancy passes so quickly. You go from counting days, to counting weeks, to counting months, and then years. It really does go too fast.

* What can I say about my Jubilee? Well, she is living up to her name! She has the most darling smiles: those dimples and chubby cheeks will make anyone's heart melt. The joy she exudes when she sees me leaves me oozing with gooshy mommy love. I love to cuddle her and nuzzle my cheek against her soft little head. These infant days are fleeting and I'm trying to soak up as much sweetness as I can.

* She definitely has her moments, but for the most part Jubi is a sweet, happy baby. After the first intense 7 weeks (lots of screaming, little sleep), Jubilee turned a corner. She nurses well, delights strangers with her smiles, and kicks her long little legs with glee when she sees mama or daddy. She has made no attempts at rolling over, and that is totally fine with me. I am enjoying still being able to lay her down on the couch or on our bed without having to worry about her rolling off. We are so thankful for her. She is just the right person for our little family.

* But here is the most beautiful thing of all: the girl sleeps. She takes at least one good long nap each day. At about 10 weeks old she started entering into a night time pattern: falling asleep at 7pm, waking up at 7:30pm (she is currently awake and screaming after her little half hour evening nap), going back down at about 9:00/9:30 and sleeping 5-6 hours STRAIGHT! One night we even got a golden 7 hours of sleep straight. She typically goes down fairly easily after she nurses at about 3:30am and will sleep until about 7, sometimes waking up once more during that stretch for a snack. I think she would actually sleep a while past 7 if it weren't for big brother Asa making so much noise when he wakes up. I cannot express what a wonderful surprise this is. I also cannot express how drastically different this is from how Asa slept. I have beat myself up for years thinking I must have done something wrong to make Asa sleep so terribly. Now I know, it wasn't us. Asa is sweet, darling, smart, hilarious, creative, and fun.....but he is not a fan of sleep. I know that Jubi's sleep patterns will change with the onset of teething, growth spurts, etc., but I am enjoying it thoroughly while it lasts!

* Anyways, I had to brag about my darling daughter on her 3 month birthday. Before I kinow it I will have stopped counting the months and be writing a post about her turning three years old instead of three months old. Don't grow up too fast Jubilee!

Three years ago....

2011-01-25T15:40:00.000-08:00

Today is Asa's 3rd birthday. I can't believe it. I had a fast and furious labor with Asa. He was 7 lbs, 4 oz, 20.5 inches long....and absolutely perfect! He stole my heart at first glance. Since then, he has brought me countless joys and countless challenges. Currently, Asa...

* Is completely obsessed with cars, trucks, and any other kind of vehicle
* Loves to paint and color with markers
* Enjoys "spelling" words (this morning he spelled donut for me: "sotept")
* Can listen to books all day
* Loves to run. He has gotten away from me many times!
* Is sleeping about a MILLION times better than he did his first two years of life
* Is quite a food snob
* Still loves to cuddle with Mama
* Adores being outside and goes a little nuts when he doesn't get time to run around outside
* Still takes blankie bear anywhere and everywhere
* Loves to make up stories and have us make up stories. His current favorite characters to include in his stories are a kitty and an excavator.

Happy Birthday Asa!

Doesn't this just make you happy?

2011-01-20T15:14:00.000-08:00

98% wonderful

2011-01-16T20:03:00.000-08:00

Check out the teeny tiny sparkly pink sneakers

Fun in the "snow"

Delighted!

* Several years ago I was having a conversation with a friend/co-worker about her kids. I was asking her questions about motherhood (since I hadn't had my own kids yet), and she told me this very wise, very true statement: "It is 98% wonderful and 2% 'WHAT WERE WE THINKING?!' " Today was a "what were we thinking" day, and that 2% started to feel more like 5%....okay, maybe 15%.

* Today I had a pounding headache and an exhausted, cranky husband who had only gotten 3 hours of sleep due to a very late inventory shift at work and then sweetly getting up with Asa at 5:30am while I fed Jubilee. I had an almost 3 year old who I was lovingly trying to encourage to use the potty. But how do you stay loving and encouraging when that 3 year old kicks, screams, and arches every time you suggest using the potty. I suppose it means he's not ready for this big step, and my dream of only changing 5 poopy diapers a day instead of 9 will have to wait. The star of the show today was Jubilee who napped great, smiled like crazy, and cooed and nursed her way through the day.

* Motherhood is wonderful and fun and HARD! I am trying to get refocused this evening and remember that it is really 98% wonderful. The smiles and laughs are wonderful, the adventures are wonderful, watching them grow and learn is wonderful.....but there are times I wonder what we were thinking when we jumped into this wild world of parenting. Those are the times I call my sister or friends and exchange crazy kid stories and know that every mama experiences their share of chaos!

Success

2011-01-10T10:47:00.001-08:00

Very skeptical about his new headphones.

Mama tried to bribe him into wearing them by providing chocolate (hence the lump in his cheek)
Less skeptical about new headphones.

She is getting more fat and adorable every day

An overnight campout in the living room with Daddy on New Year's Eve

* We have had some recent successes in our house: small, but as far as daily life with two small children goes, we'll take it. Jubilee hates the car. She typically screams her way to and from most places. Asa does not handle this well. When Jubilee gets going in the car, Asa chimes in with his own screaming, and usually shouts at me saying, "Help her! Feed her! Burp her! Drive faster! Make it STOP!" Oh, if only I knew how to make it stop. We decided to get Asa a pair of noise cancelling headphones that would also be hooked up to the i-pod to play music. My sensitive boy would not even consider putting those things on his head. After a week of coaxing, discussing, bribing, and a fair amount of force, Asa now loves his headphones, in or out of the car. It makes a huge difference in my day to only have one screaming child in the car! This is considered a major success.

* The other small success we've had is that Jubi will now tolerate her swing....as long as it's not swinging. Fine with me. It's lovely to have a place to put her down for a few minutes. My shoulders are loving the break from having her strapped to me so often during the day.

* Finally, we have had succeess in the area of me starting back to work. So far, I am only working Sunday mornings and I have done so the past two weeks. In February I will begin taking on some more responsibilities. It has actually been quite nice. When I was doing this job prior to having Jubilee, I was terribly sick and could never do it the way I wanted to. Then, I ended up going on leave about 8 weeks early because I was simply too sick and weak to do it at all. At this point, I love connecting with the families, I love the flexibility, and I love the supportive and understanding staff. Yesterday, I went to church solo without the family. I needed to go to head up the Sunday school hours, but it has snowed several inches and we opted to not attempt the drive through the snow with the kids. Jubilee is a breastfed baby and, like her brother, is not a fan of the bottle (read: screams, trashes, and panics when offered a bottle). I left Aaron with plenty of fresh milk and tried not to worry for the 4 hours I was away. I came home to find success! Jubi was calmly drinking from the bottle and welcomed me with many sweet smiles. She only drank a couple of ounces, but it's a good start!

Love the chub

2010-12-30T07:46:00.000-08:00

Jubilee is 2 months old today

She doesn't have red eyes in real life.

This girl has the best smiles.
Love, love, love those kissable fat cheeks.

* Two months ago today I was strapped to monitors at the hospital, waiting for the induction medicine to kick in. Since my labor with Asa had gone so quickly, I was expecting to be holding Jubilee in my arms by noon. The first round of meds did absolutely nothing. Round two started at 12:15pm and the contractions kicked in immediately. The next several hours brought painful contractions that came every minute, intense back pain, an epidural, and lots of anticipation. I thought for sure that I was dilating like crazy. The doc checked me at 5:30pm and reported that I was at.....2 cm. "I wouldn't even call this labor," she reported. "Well if it's not labor, WHAT IS IT?" I wanted to know. She told me that the medication was doing its job by making me contract, but the contractions weren't productive. The nurse piped in and said, "We can stop the meds and send you home if you'd like." This was terribly discouraging news. I was NOT going home without a baby, and I started to fear that it was going to end in a c-section on Halloween.

* The next three hours were very intense and emotional. The doctor had gone home, and the nurse checked me again at 8:30. Good news! We had progressed to 5 cm! At 9:07 my water broke on its own. Instantly I new the baby was coming NOW! The doctor arrived for the grand finale. Eighteen minutes after my water broke, Jubilee Noelle made her debut at 9:25pm. What a relief.

* It has been a busy, crazy, fun, challenging, wonderful two months. We are seeing more and more of Jubilee's personality each day. At two months, here are some things I can tell you about her...

* She really does have the best smiles. You can't help but smile back.

* She has a very strong set of lungs, and is not afraid to use them, especially in the car.

* Her cheeks are chubby and adorable.

* She's very snuggly, and loves to curl up on my shoulder

* She often sucks on her right fist, and I'm hoping she finds her thumb so that she can sooth herself

* She spits up more than I ever thought possible

* She tolerates her bouncy seat, hates the swing, and usually enjoys laying on the bathmat on the bathroom floor.

* She reserves her biggest smiles for Mama, Daddy, and big brother Asa.

* We're finally saying it out loud: she is not a good sleeper at all. It's a fact, she sleeps like a true Fowler.

* She looks darling in pink, purple, and all things girly.

* She loves the bath. She HATES getting out of the bath.

* She is the beautiful result of 9 months of misery, and is worth every minute of it.

WE LOVE YOU JUBILEE!

Merry

2010-12-25T14:54:00.001-08:00

Asa's favorite present was Mack from the movie 'Cars'
Where was Jubilee? Oh, she slept through it all. Why? Because she had been up from 4am-6am screaming her lungs out. We aren't quite ready to admit that we have another non-sleeper on our hands, so we just decided it was because she was so excited for Christmas morning and couldn't fall asleep.

My boys on Christmas morning

Christmas cookie-making extravaganza!

Some Christmas snuggles from my girl.

******I'm not sure why blogger won't let me separate my paragraphs, so I'm trying to make them easier to read by using astericks***********

* It has been a quiet and enjoyable Christmas day at the Tiger house, just the four of us. The 5 years we've lived in our house, we've never spent Christmas here. We decided it was time. This is the first year that Asa has really gotten into Christmas. It is so fun to see him enjoy the magic of it all! He woke up this morning knowing that the anticipation was over...it was Christmas! Presents were opened, waffles were made and devoured, toys played with, new books read, cookies decorated, carols sung. Now he is having his "rest time" upstairs.....which today means laying on the floor by his door crying and yelling that he wants to come back downstairs and play. And soon we will be making a yummy Christmas feast. What a fun and relaxing day to remember the birth of our Savior!

* And always, on holidays it is hard to not have Dad around. He and my Mom worked so hard to make Christmas a magical time for us four kids. He loved wearing the Santa hat on Christmas morning and passing out gifts. He adored the sweets and goodies that abounded during Christmas time. Christmas brings back many wonderful memories of my Dad, but it also brings some sadness. I miss him terribly. If he were here, he would be delighting in watching his grandchildren open presents. I wish so badly he could meet his beautiful granddaughter. Asa's first Christmas was spent pacing the halls of the oncology unit at Valley Medical Center. Dad had been hospitalized on December 21st, the day after my brother Drew married his lovely wife Kelly, and was there for a couple of weeks. I am thankful that Jubilee's first Christmas is more low key than that, but I do wish she could spend this season with her Abi.

* Yet we are still merry! We have two healthy children, friends and family to celebrate with, and a God who "so loved the world that he sent His only son..." Aaron's parents will join us tomorrow for Christmas round two. We hope you are enjoying your Christmas with ones you love!

Burrito Baby

2010-12-20T20:10:00.001-08:00

Jubilee thinks that she doesn't like to be swaddled, but it's the only way she'll stay asleep.

Life with two

2010-12-17T14:21:00.001-08:00

Strangely, Jubilee's favorite place (other than next to Mommy, nursing), is the bathroom floor. It was also a favorite of Asa's when he was a baby.

I am really enjoying life with two little ones. Of course, it is hard and exhausting, I knew it would be. However, whenever things get hectic, crazy or frustrating, I think back to how sick I was for 98% of my pregnancy. It helps put things into perspective for me. I would take the screaming, the tantrums, the messy house, the constant nursing, the night wakings....I would take it all and more over being miserable like I was during my pregnancy with Jubilee.

When I was pregnant with Asa I constantly day dreamed about my sweet baby. When I was pregnant with Jubilee, all I could think about was how lousy I felt. I struggled with guilt over not feeling attached to her while pregnant. Well let me tell you, that baby of mine-- oh she is the cutest, chubbiest, squirmiest, most kissable thing ever. She's not been a particularly easy baby. We have dealt with quite a bit of screaming, crankiness, and night wakings...but I am still very much in love with that girl.

Life with two kids does change things a lot. I find that when I'm talking to someone, most of my stories or comments start something like this:

"Well, while I was wiping spit up off my neck..."

"After I'd changed my 9th poopy diaper of the day..."

"While I was cutting Asa's grilled cheese into the shape of a car..."

"As I was starting another load of laundry..."

"When I was nursing Jubilee while playing cars with Asa..."

" We were on our way to the store to buy baby wipes, fruit snacks, and nursing pads..."

"After I'd cleaned up the box of Kix that had spilled on the floor..."

"I was stirring Asa's laxative into his milk when I turned around and..."

"I was trying to take a shower when suddenly I heard screaming..."

"So I was feeding Jubilee in the dressing room at Fred Meyer when..."

Funny how conversation changes so drastically when you have kids.

You just have to laugh

2010-12-14T09:12:00.001-08:00

I've been doing my best at teaching Asa the Christmas story. We've been talking about how we celebrate Christmas because of Jesus' birth. This is a complicated concept for such a little guy to understand, but it's exciting that this is the first year I can tell Asa the story and really see him thinking, ask questions, and repeat pieces of the story.

The other day he was playing with the nativity set you see in the pictures. He picked up the baby Jesus and said, "Look Mommy, it's a little pretend tape measure!" After explaining to him that it was not a pretend tape measure, but that it represented baby Jesus he said, "Mmmmm, baby cheeses are yummy."

Well, we're trying.

*Pictures of baby Jubi to come soon....*

This week

2010-12-04T12:36:00.000-08:00

Big stretch!
Jubilee on her one month birthday

I rewarded Asa with a cupcake after he waited through two doctor's appointments in the same day.

We are starting to get some smiles from this one!

A rare photo of the two of them, and in the bathroom, no less.

Well, this was my first week on my own, and let me tell you folks, I am a tired mama! Currently I have both kids "napping" (Jubilee has actually woken up after just a few minutes, but hasn't started screaming yet, so I'm hoping she falls back asleep!) The past several days, if at any moment I had both kiddos sleeping or occupied, I ran around and started laundry, loaded dishes, swept the floor, or returned a phone call. Today I've collapsed on the couch and am indulging in checking blogs and updating my own.

Aaron's return to work coincided with us all getting sick.....awsome! Asa started in a week ago with a runny nose which quickly turned into a chest cold accompanied by some fever and a large amount of crankiness. Aaron went down next followed by me, and lastly, poor little Jubilee. I called the doctor's office simply to ask how much Tylenol I could give a 4 week old, and they insisted I come in since Jubilee was so young and had a fever (which was very, very low). I hauled both kids in for the second day in a row (the day before I had been in to see about some reflux issues Jubilee has had), and was told that Jubilee looked fine.....but that they needed to test her for RSV. I nearly turned it down, but knew I could never forgive myself if something really was seriously wrong and I didn't have her tested. She was of course fine.

We had a fun Thanksgiving in Tacoma and are looking forward to celebrating our 7th anniversary and Christmas!

Snippets

2010-11-22T11:06:00.000-08:00

While I was pregnant, Asa became quite a fan of Jello. It was one of the staples of my diet, and it quickly became one of his too. Asa is a little.....particular when it comes to food. Currently, his diet consists of grilled cheese, Jello, crackers, PBJ, and a very few other items.
Bath time

Jubilee at almost 3 weeks old

We've had snow. Aaron and Asa got out to play in it a couple of times, but since it's combined with temperatures in the high teens, it's not much fun to be outside. Asa and his little buddy Elliot

Spending some time in the bouncy seat

Jubilee is now over three weeks old! We are adjusting a little bit more each day. I have been spoiled to have Aaron home with us for a whole month. It has definitely helped smooth out the transition. Mornings seems to be the most challenging time: getting myself and two kids fed and dressed seems to be quite the challenge, especially since it's a very fussy time of day for Jubilee, and a very demanding time of day for Asa. Each morning I think: How will I ever do this by myself? However, I know that many moms do it and have done much more every day.

Jubilee is growing, growing, growing. At her appointment last Thursday she had already gained a pound since her birth. She doesn't like to be put down and I often find myself wondering, How do I do anything when I am bouncing her all day? I just have to put her down and let her cry while I change Asa's diaper, prepare a meal, take a shower, etc. We are really looking forward to seeing this little person start to smile and interact. In the meantime, I'm doing lots of nursing, bouncing, swaddling, and jiggling. We are heading south to Tacoma for Thanksgiving on Wednesday: our first trip with both kids in tow. We'll see how it goes!

One week in

2010-11-07T18:16:00.000-08:00

Wide awake

My boys

Yes, this little bundle of adorable love caused all of those months of complete misery. Those months will not soon be forgotten, but obviously, it was completely worth it.

Little Tiger

We are enjoying Jubilee's snuggles. Asa was never a snuggler, so this has been a special treat.

This didn't last long at all

Jubilee is 8 days old today. Wow! The days/weeks/months leading up to her birth were so long that it's strange to feel like time is passing so quickly. I have thoroughly been enjoying feeling well. About 3 days after giving birth, I could honestly say that I had more energy than I'd had for 9 months. I am so thankful and have had the best time enjoying simple things that were impossible or nearly impossible the last months of my pregnancy: grocery shopping, cooking, smelling food, going for a walk, riding as a passenger in the car, going to church. It is truly wonderful, and at the same time a little overwhelming. I had been warned that this would come by a friend who had hyperemesis with all THREE of her pregnancies (God bless her). There were so many things I couldn't deal with or even think about during the pregnancy: finances, house stuff, discipline, consistency for Asa, etc. Now that I feel better, I am able to think about these things and see that there is much to do and figure out. I can also see that there's some processing that needs to happen. I couldn't process what was going on during the pregnancy. I just had to put my head down and keep going. Getting to the end of the day felt like a big success. Now I have the mental and emotional capacity to process things and can tell that it definitely needs to happen. In the meantime, I am trying to not take the small things for granted.

I am so thankful that Jubilee is healthy and beautiful. We are so taken with her and love her to pieces. Asa is doing quite well. He's adjusting a little more each day and is quite sweet with Jubilee. We are wishing he'd sleep better, especially since we're up with Jubilee a few times a night. Last night Asa was up about 8 times and spent an hour and a half awake in his bed shouting requests down the stairs: I need a snack, I'm thisrty, I want to play, my blanket is funny, I dropped my blankie bear. Oy. That's just Asa, it doesn't surprise me at all.

Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes. We feel very loved and supported!

First few days

2010-11-02T11:52:00.000-07:00

Just home from the hospital
Little Miss Jubi

My two babies

Asa meeting Jubilee for the first time

We are doing pretty well. We picked the name Jubilee because we loved the biblical meaning. If you looked up the word Jubilee it would say that the meaning is "Joy and Celebration." After such a challenging 9 months, Jubilee has already brought us much joy and is definitely worth celebrating! So far, she is doing great. We think she's the cutest thing ever. Most of our energies have actually gone towards her older brother who is having a little bit of a hard time adjusting: something we expected, but you can never be prepared for!

So thrilled to introduce...

2010-10-31T10:01:00.001-07:00

Jubilee Noelle Tiger
7 lbs. 6oz.
20 inches long
October 30th, 9:25pm

More details to come, but here's what's important: She's here, she's beautiful, and she's healthy!

We think she looks a bit like her big brother, but she definitely has her own little look!
Snuggles

A very proud Daddy

We're so happy to have her here! Question: do I look just a tiny bit tired in this picture?

Miss Jubilee: minutes old

First family picture. Asa has been having a little bit of a hard time and hasn't

wanted to pose for any pictures with me and the baby

Mama and Jubilee

Last post...

2010-10-29T15:27:00.001-07:00

38 weeks, 6 days. I don't think I've ever posted twice in one day before, but this day is going by entirely too slow. Is it seriously only 3:30? Asa decided to hop into these pictures with me.

T Minus 24 hours....

2010-10-29T08:05:00.000-07:00

We are really in the final countdown! One day is nothing compared to the time that has already passed, but I have a feeling the hours are just going to crawl by today. The non-pregnant Suzanne would make a long day pass by filling it to the brim with acitivity, work, cooking, chores, and plans. The pregnant and sick Suzanne is going to try to fill it with napping, packing a bag of snacks for the hospital, getting as hydrated as possible, and watching reruns of the early 90's show "Thirtysomething" on netflix. I'm sure there will be a great deal of worrying and fretting, maybe even a dash of hysteria mixed in with those activities, but I'm going to do my best to stay as calm as possible. Right now I'm sitting on the bathroom floor while my very grubby boy takes a much needed bath.

I've been sleeping just horribly the last several nights, which I know is classic pregnancy for most women. I've been so uncomfortable at night that I was sure (or hoping) that I would go into labor before the 30th, but at this point, I think she's holding on tight. My dreams are dominated with an outflow of my anxiety. My two main dreams last night included going to the hospital and being turned away because they were either "too full", or because I had a cold. In my dream I remember shouting, "A cold? Well, you were going to induce me when I'd had the stomach flu for 9 months!" Oh how my mind runs away with me, conscious or not. I could use your prayers today: prayers for peace and assurance, prayers for health and confidence, and especially for a smooth and safe delivery for baby and I.

Keep checking, Either Aaron or I will post pictures at some point this weekend. We can't wait to meet her! I can't wait to not be pregnant! In approximately 24 hours (probably a bit more), we will be holding our daughter and will be full of joy and jubilation!

T Minus 4 Days...

2010-10-26T08:34:00.000-07:00

Whoa baby. Here we are at 38 weeks, 3 days.

Aaron took Asa to the Harvest Festival at our church. I remained at home laying miserably on the couch and was quite upset that I couldn't muster the energy to go see Asa enjoy the games and fun. However, Aaron took lots of pictures for me. Here's my cute little pumpkin eating his tootsie roll.

Couldn't figure out how to rotate this....but still cute.

A rare moment that I felt well enough to get outside and be with my boy in the sun.

We are scheduled for induction this Saturday, October 30th. Glory, glory hallelujah! Knowing that the end is in sight, I've struggled through the past several days. Despite my nightly dose of (doctor approved, of course) sleeping medicine, I am up several hours during the night with a combination of back pain, cramping, nausea, and excitement over soon meeting our daughter. I will be spending my days doing everything I can to not go crazy while "resting." Knitting, reading, coloring with Asa, folding laundry, packing my bag for the hospital, organizing photos......anything I can think of to lay low and ward off the cold that Asa is determined to pass onto me. Cold virus or not, this baby is coming out soon, and I really can't wait!

Shifting

2010-10-20T20:47:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for your prayers. I've gotten several phone calls, e-mails, and inquiries from kind and caring people, wanting to know how the amnio went on Monday. I need to apologize because I have intentionally ignored most of these phone calls and e-mails. I have needed to give myself a few days to shift my thinking and dig a little deeper to find strength for the coming weeks....

The amnio itself was fine. It was over before I knew it. The doctor expressed his opinion immediately: the fluid did not look mature enough to induce delivery. I was immediately deflated, but my calm, rational husband told me to hold off on panicing until we knew the results. I met with the doctor after the test and he encouraged me by telling me that even though the fluid didn't look completely mature, he was guessing it was close and we could induce about 5 days after the originally planned day: October 20th. The doc called us at home at 8pm that evening, I was going crazy with nervousness. The test results weren't the good news we'd been hoping and praying for. The fluid indicated that the babies lungs were "immature," and that the earliest I could be induced would be between 39-40 weeks.

I was just beside myself. Discouragement set in dark and heavy. Aaron held my hand and reminded me of God's promises to His children. I searched for peace and comfort within those promises and just continued to feel hopeless. This news came to me at one of my worst points this whole pregnancy. Eating has been such a tremendous struggle the past 10 days or so. I am weak and exhausted and know that my next trip to the hospital is not far away. We've been trying to view my hydration sessions at the hospital as really positive things, but truthfully, I just detest being there. 4-5 hours of laying by myself in a hospital bed, feeling terrible, is not fun, even though I know it's best for me and the baby. I am so tired of laying around. Not just laying around, but laying around feeling completely awful. I am asking the Lord for renewed hope every morning. Some kind of encouragement to come to me every day. My encouragement for today: a message left by my favorite doctor at the clinic I go to saying that she wanted to meet with me to form a "game plan" for the next 2 weeks. I was immensely encouraged to hear that I had someone on my side.

One other thing I wanted to mention: Yes, hyperemesis is a REAL thing! People have asked several questions about this diagnosis and have tried to offer helpful suggestions: Do you eat enough protein? (Protein? No, I don't, CAN'T eat enough of anything.). Do you get enough rest? Maybe you're just really run down. (Yes, I get plenty of rest. The amount of rest I get makes me crazy. I crave busyness right now, but my body won't let me!) Have you tried ginger, Zofran, tea, vitamin B6? (Yes, yes, yes. I have tried it all. I have done everything the doctor's have recommended and prescribed, including regular acupuncture appointments) Before experiencing this pregnancy I may have wondered the same things and asked the same questions of someone who struggled with nausea their whole pregnancy. Again, it is REAL, and if you lived with me for 24 hours you would see that it is not in my head, and it is not because I don't eat enough protein. I get a bit sensitive about comments (some coming from one of the doctor's at my clinic) hat make me feel that I'm either making most of this up, or am just not strong enough to handle the regular aches and pains of pregnancy. Just needed to clarify.

So here we are waiting and gestating. I try to imagine that her lungs are getting much stronger every day. I try to imagine her sweet little face and tiny little feet. The hospital bags are packed, the car seats installed. Two weeks of additional waiting may not sound like much time, and really, it isn't. But as the hours slowly creep by on these horrible days I can't imagine getting to the end of this race. Baby Tiger please get those lungs nice and strong and COME OUT of me soon! I want to EAT and sit up without feeling dizzy, and hold my beautiful daughter. Please continue to pray for lung development for our girl, and also for physical and emotional strength for her mama who often feels like she's hanging on by a thread.

Full term

2010-10-16T07:52:00.000-07:00

Today I am 37 weeks pregnant, which is considered full term! This is wonderful! I went to bed last night feeling yucky, but very enouraged. If I can do this for 37 weeks, I can do it for just a bit longer right? I even went for a short walk last night, despite feeling terrible, to try to get things movin'.

I tossed and turned all night through waves of nausea and stomach pains. My wake up call came from my little guy at 6:30, Aaron was already at work. The encouragement and positivity I felt last night was gone this morning. I felt physically terrible, emotionally raw, and unbelievably impatient with my son. I mean how dare he wake up, insist on having breakfast, want to lay down with me (while breathing on me), and then expect me to wipe off his hands after breakfast and get some toys out for him to play with? Poor little guy hasn't done anything wrong, and yet has been snapped at impatiently before 8am more times than I am willing to admit.

I am feeling a lot of stress about the amnioscentesis on Monday and would appreciate your prayers. If baby's lungs look good, how do I make the right decision about when to induce? If the baby's lungs aren't ready for delivery, how will I possibly get through 2-3 more weeks of this? I suppose it would be the same way I've done the past 37 weeks. I am tired and sick and cranky and confused. I know these feelings are not from God. Before Asa's cartoon is complete, I think I need to spend some time looking at scripture to be reminded that...

God has not give us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7

Gettin' big & Gettin' REALLY ready...

2010-10-10T07:51:00.001-07:00

Exactly 36 weeks in this picture. Oh my, I am so ready for this pregnancy to be complete!

I mentioned in a previous post that my friends from our small group were going to set up the baby's room for us. We have a small house, so I was hoping for a guest room/nursery, with the intent that Asa and the baby will share a room once she's on more of a sleeping schedule (ha, ha, ha....sleeping schedule....)

The girls came over at 9:30 on Saturday morning to get started. I had to wait downstairs while they worked. It was a little bit like the show "While You Were Out" on TLC. Very exciting! When it came time to do the "reveal" I was overwhelmed. The room is so precious and beautiful! The pictures I took don't do justice to the details and effort they put into it. The previous picture with the alphabet line that spells "TIGER" has a mobile hanging in front of it. The mobile was handmade by my friend Anna. It is beautiful and I wish I could have gotten a good picture of it, but my little camera won't pick up the exquisite details!

In the picture above, they added a frame with some pictures of me and my Dad in it. They also included a separate frame with some lines from a song that we sang at his memorial service. Very special and very meaningful.

Hmmmmm, JNT. I have no problem sharing the baby's name, but I'm just curious to see what people think these initials would stand for. Any guesses?

I just have the best friends. Getting stuff set up for the baby felt completely insurmountable. I felt overwhelmed by just the tasks of getting Asa his meals, doing a load of laundry, and getting myself to my many doctor's appointments. Organizing clothes and setting up cute things for the baby was last on my list. I am so thankful that they made it happen for me, and as I spent time in the room yesterday, I felt really excited to see our little girl in it!

This was just too cute to not include. We are not potty training yet....most things have been on hold the past 9 months. We are, however, dealing with some constipation and resistance issues with Asa. Aaron has tried to see if just sitting him on the potty would help "encourage" things along. No luck.

The latest with the pregnancy is that I have an amnioscentesis scheduled for October 18th. They will be checking to see if the baby's lungs are well developed. If they are, I will likely be induced sometime that week....which will be right around 38 weeks. Again, this is not a decision I ever thought I would make, but I have reached new levels of desperation as the months have slowly ticked by. Please be praying for healthy lungs on the 18th! In the meantime, the thing that seems to be helping me the most is going to the hospital to get fluids and nutrative supplements through IV. It gives me a bit of a boost and keeps some of the nausea at bay. I seem to be able to function much better when I'm fed and hydrated...hmmm, what a thought! I've been going to the 'infusion center' once a week for the past few weeks. Although we have insurance, this is still a hefty medical bill for us, so I'm hoping I will only need to do it one more time before baby comes out!

Aw Betto

2010-09-27T08:39:00.000-07:00

You can probably read the note above for yourself, but if it looks a little fuzzy, it says (written by Aaron this morning), "Asa wanted to help you feel better so he suggested we give you a bandaid to put on your tummy so you can feel aw betto." (all better).

Asa has been working really hard at giving up his nap. We hit about 4pm and Asa starts to collapse. This is terrible because it means that if he naps at 4pm, he will want to stay up until 10pm, or later. Since I go to bed at 8pm, this can't happen. Yesterday, he fell asleep at the table at 4:30 while having a snack. He looked so darling and peaceful. We woke him up shortly after taking this picture, and he was MAD.

Asa is old enough to be very aware that something is not right with mommy. The little things he says eat at me constantly: "Why can't mommy play? Mommy can't eat with me. Mommy's too sick to play. When will mommy be aw betto?" I can't stand it. My mind knows this is temporary, but my heart breaks, and I can't seem to let it go. All I can do is pray for him and try to surround him with people who can do the things that I can't do right now. Although it's hard and exhausting, having Asa's light and life around me is so essential. I definitely need breaks and there are many moments when I want to put my head under the covers and not hear his constant requests and demands. But if I didn't have Asa I would really feel like this whole mess was not at all worth it. I look at Asa and am reminded that I will actually love this little baby who has made me so miserable, and love her as much as I love Asa. Weird.

Thankful

2010-09-24T19:50:00.000-07:00

After this morning's meager post, I was given a blessing that I do not deserve. God sent me an angel today: my sister. Amanda graciously responded to my need quickly. She has four kids so arranging to drop everything at the last second to come up to see me is a big deal. I layed around the whole day while Amanda played with Asa, changed diapers, cleaned out the pantry, unloaded the dishwasher, and most importantly, distracted me with good conversation. An answer to prayer indeed.

Just managing

2010-09-24T10:04:00.000-07:00

I recently read a book called "Bed Rest" by Sarah Bilston. It is based on her personal experience with 3 months of bed rest, but embellished quite a bit to make it an interesting and entertaining novel. To be clear, I am NOT on bed rest and have only been threatened with it once by the doc. I can't say that I understand what it's like to be on bed rest. However, I can say that I know what it's like to feel so sick and terrible that you are confined to bed for days. It is miserable. And while many busy moms think that being forced to lay in bed for days would be a relief, I can say that in my experience, it is not.

The author of the book writes it as if it's a journal, chronicling her endless days laying on her left side, trying to stay occupied. If I was writing a journal chronicling my days, today's entry would look like this so far...

7:30: Finally make myself respond to Asa's cries to "get up and play." Hoist myself off the couch and shakily/dizzily walk out to get him. Say a quick prayer of thanks because a 7:20 wake up time is considered "sleeping in" for Asa. Say another prayer that tomorrow he will sleep even later.

7:35: Toss some breakfast on the table for Asa, change a very full, wet diaper while holding my breath so I don't have to smell anything. Get kicked in the gut, leg, and chest by my child because he hates having his diaper changed.

7:36: Yell at Asa for kicking me

7:37: Choke down a piece of toast and some water. Collapse onto the couch and work hard to keep the toast and water down.

7:40: Cry

7:42: Look at the clock and calculate how many hours until Aaron gets home.

7:43: Cry again

7:44: Wonder how I will ever possibly get through this day.

I don't mean to sound like a major downer, but this is the reality of most of my days. Having someone here to help out in the morning is great because I get to sleep in. I have slogged around this morning feeling completely depleted and defeated. My experience from the past 8 months reminds me that there will be days that are slightly better than this, but the trouble is remaining rational and clear when I feel so sick. Somehow, as an answer to prayer, my little boy manages to stay quite happy in the midst of what feels impossibly difficult. To combat my guilt about my parenting abilities right now, I pray that this time will instill in him a genuine patience and understanding for other people. I pray that he develops a tenderness towards people who are hurting and in need, and that at a very young age would learn empathy for others.

I'm looking down the road at about one more month of this, give or take a few days. Do-able? Yes. Easy? Not in the least. I covet your prayers through the next 4-5 weeks. I will keep you posted on an induction date as soon as I am able to schedule one.

Gratitude

2010-09-18T19:47:00.000-07:00

After two exceptionally bad days, I have started to lose my focus. Five to six weeks may sound like a short time, but when I'm in the midst of misery it sounds like an eternity! I'm trying to regain my focus and stay strong. I've found that expressing or concentrating on gratitude is one of the best ways to combat pain and negativity. So, I wanted to share some of the many ways I have been blessed and shown love through the past 7.5 months.

* Meals. Meals have been a huge challenge for me because, well, obvious reasons I suppose. About a month ago friends started offering to bring us meals. Since I don't grocery shop or cook right now, this took a huge amount of pressure off of me! After a few weeks of people offering, my friend Sarah set up a calendar at the church to have a meal made for us twice a week. People I don't even know have signed up on the calendar. What a difference this makes for me! Aaron is very appreciative as these meals are his dinner and lunch for several days.

* Friends have offered childcare for nothing in return. A friend even organized to have a babysitter from the church come once a week to take Asa on outings since it's so hard for me to get him out and about.

* Cards and packages have arrived from family and friends. A couple of cards or care packages have come from friends that I haven't seen in years!

* The past several weekends, the Tigers or my Mom have come up to help out. They do a bunch of cleaning, grocery shopping, and care for Asa. I've never been so glad to have their help! Since they all have full time jobs, I know that giving up a weekend to clean my house and do my shopping is a sacrifice. I am so grateful they have been here.

* My friends from our small group are completely doing the baby's room for me. Did you get that? They are completely doing the baby's room for me! I was so overwhelmed with the process of preparing anything for the baby. I have been so sick that organizing a room felt impossible. My friend Anna came over one morning, asked a few questions, took some measurements, and completely took the job out of my hands. They are setting it up on October 9th. This is far better than any baby shower or gizmo I could have asked for. I feel so loved by their support and kindness.

* And of course, my saint of a husband. Through this process I've learned a lot about how I should be treating my husband. Again, our marriage is not perfect and I don't want to paint our relationship as a fairy tale (in fact, life right now is a far cry from "fairy tale"), but I am so thankful for Aaron and am in awe of how he handles everything with such peace and ease. How can I possibly be annoyed about the pile of his clothes on the floor or the chip crumbs all over the couch when he has put up with me and done 97% of everything the past several months? Perspective.

* People have offered so many prayers and have said the kindest things. I sometimes wonder what my Dad would tell me right now. It hurts to think about it too much. I'm not sure what he'd say, but I know it would be wise, and I know it would be loving.

With all of these gifts and blessings, I started to wonder if I've just been complaining way too much and need to buck up. However, I am finding that this is how God is showing His love to me right now and telling me, I have not abandoned you, I am right here! Our friends, family and church have been the hands and feet of Christ for us. I am really looking forward to feeling better so that I can give back and be on the other end of the 'giving and receiving.' I think I will have a new outlook on helping people who really have a need.

LESS than two months away

2010-09-10T13:56:00.000-07:00

31.5 weeks...

Sweet, cute boy

Do other kids eat this much peanut butter?

He would eat a jar of peanut butter every day if I let him. My little self-made vegetarian needs protein, so I just go with it.

As of September 6th, I am two months away from my due date. I am completely determined to not be pregnant by November. My doctor is on board with inducing me a couple of weeks early, so we're looking at the third week of October. Early induction is not a choice I ever thought I would agree to. In fact, I am guilty of being a little judgemental of women who make certain choices about labor and delivery just because they don't "feel like" letting things happen. Well, this is just another humbling experience in which God is teaching me, "Unless you've truly been there, kindly keep your mouth shut." People who are suffering don't need tips and opinions, they need love and support.

I'm trying to view each day as a victory as I edge towards having this baby. Life continues to get more and more basic as I hit even more limits, but all pregnant women face that right? A growth ultrasound this week revealed that the baby is growing quite well off of my extremely limited diet. This was nice to know and took a little pressure off of me. We have been getting some weekend help with childcare and chores from our parents. This is a tremendous gift and helps me push through the week knowing that there will be some back up arriving. We could use continued prayer about...

* My ability to stay focused and strong. It is really hard to not get terribly discouraged and down with each day dragging on

* Getting ready to deliver and take care of this baby. Outside of what other people have done for me, I have not done an ounce of preparation. I know part of this is "normal" with second (third, fourth) children, but a lot of it is just that I don't have the energy to even think about it.

Letting go

2010-08-30T09:25:00.001-07:00

I'm learning a lot about having to let go these days. This is a hard thing for a controlling, type-a personality to do. I don't think it's becoming easier, just more normal. Aaron has today off from work, and he and Asa wanted to go out to get coffee and a treat for breakfast. Did I want to go? Normally, this would be a lovely thing to go do: family time, watching Asa enjoy his treat, getting out of the house early, a good cup of coffee, a fun way to start the day. But it just can't happen. Not today at least, as I've woken up the past several mornings feeling even more awful than usual.

Little outings like this are something I've had to let go of. Along with eating normally, exercising (just going for walks), taking Asa to the park, feeling successful at work, doing housework, cooking, house projects, keeping in touch with friends, going to go see friends, going to go see family, money, potty training, discipline, sleeping normally, summer adventures, dates with Aaron, grocery shopping, putting Asa to bed (though last night, I was able to assist!), Aaron applying for counseling jobs, evening activities, volunteering, the "new to us" car we planned to buy this summer, getting stuff ready for the baby.....

Of all the things that are hard to let go of, caring for Asa the way I want to is by far the hardest. Aaron insists that I am still doing a "good job": Asa is happy, healthy, and safe. But I am hard on myself. I see kids his age going to parks, swim lessons, music classes, play-dates, vacations, adventures....and it's hard not to compare. The "bad mom" voice gets louder and I worry that he will have some kind of long term effect left over from this strange time.

I have to remind myself daily that these things I am letting go of are not mine, they are God's. Asa is His, our money is His, our possessions and my body is His. This baby is His. I am called daily to lay these things, the things I have claimed as "mine" at the foot of the cross. They are His and He is in control of everything, even when it feels so out of control. This realization requires a constant shifting of my natural self. I like being productive, caring for my family, getting things done, feeling successful. Who doesn't? But right now my job is to be pregnant, and there is little else I am able to do.....just gestate and wait.

If you can, we'd continue to appreciate your prayers...
* For acceptance and peace to wash over me and my family daily
* For relief from nausea
* For wisdom, as we decide whether or not it's time for Aaron to go on FMLA
* For my big week: the kid's musical at church and then Sunday school training the day after. These are short events (a couple of hours in the evening), and while I know that other people will help pull it off, I've really been looking forward to them and want to be able to be present.

The scoop

2010-08-28T09:54:00.001-07:00

I haven't been feeling much like blogging lately. I haven't felt like doing much of anything besides laying around. Honestly, I just haven't known what to say. My life is extremely basic, yet extremely challenging these days. I've decided that an outlet would be nice, so I'm going to try to update the blog with how I'm doing, asking for specific prayers, and honesty about what I'm learning through this time.

I am 30 weeks pregnant today: the nausea and sickness are intense and exhausting every single day. My body is weary and my strength is sapped. Every day feels so long and difficult. My eyes have been opened to women around me who have experienced challenging pregnancies. How did they do it? I wonder. And then I realize, they did it the same way I am: taking one day at a time, living off of the manna that God provides for each day, even when it feels too meager. This realization is encouraing and discouraging at the same time.

I have had to adjust my life quite a bit, as has Aaron. I had to cut my hours way back at work. I have nearly completely given up cooking. I have been put on "restricted activity" by my doctor. I don't go for walks anymore. I have to say "no" to nearly every activity I'm invited to. The list of summer projects has been put on hold. Housework is an afterthought. My tasks for each day have become quite basic: get Asa and myself dressed, provide him with meals, keep myself fed and hydrated, do a load of laundry. Aaron has really pulled more than his weight. Looking and applying for counseling jobs is currently on hold. As a former teacher, I know the beginning of the year and your first year of working in a school means lots of extra hours. Having Aaron work extra hours is not a possibility right now. On my hardest days I find it hard to not watch the clock as the hours pass towards him coming home. Thankfully, thankfully, most days he is home between 2-3pm.....and then I crash. Aaron and I have accepted this disappointing reality and are moving forward with gratitude for the job that he has.

I am also so grateful for how understanding my employer, First Presbyterian Church, has been. This is a church that has been through unbelievable crisis. They know how to rally and they know how to pray and support. More on that another day......but I'm wiping tears from my eyes as I think about how helpful the body of Christ has been.

I watch friends my age going on trips, adventures, even simple things like going out to dinner. I am ashamed to say that I watch these things with envy, and wonder why it has to be so hard for me to just muster the ability to get Asa and I out the door once a day (or just to shower, for that matter). And then I have to remind myself that this really is temporary, and the result is something that many would probably envy me for. In the meantime however, the days often feel impossible and the burden is heavy. I attempt daily to "cast my cares on Him..."

Focusing on gratitude is essential for me right now. I am so thankful for the wonderful people I work with, my friends, my family, the hope of Christ, and amazingly: that everything appears to be developing well with the baby despite my weakness and struggles.

Though I'm expressing these burdens, I want people to know that I need them more than ever! Just leaving me alone is not helpful, even on my worst days. I need time with people, time at church, time outside, and of course, prayers. I have a few specific prayer requests and will probably add a few more each time I post. If you are the praying kind, or even if you're not, please pray for us, and let us know how we can pray for you.

* For my physical and mental strength as I navigate through the next couple of months
* For Asa, as he has been a good boy, but certainly sees the difference in Mama and has been confused
* For Aaron, that he could continue to carry the major load of the house and family
* That God would be preparing my heart and body, even when I can't feel it or see it, to be a Mama of two. I have been nervous about coming out of this time being completely depleted, yet having to care for two young kids.
* For our marriage. I have been praying for the ability to have a date with Aaron, even if it's just watching a moving together on the couch after Asa goes to bed. I have been thinking a lot about how to nurture a marriage while just being in "survival mode."

We love you and appreciate your prayers!

Three months away

2010-08-06T19:16:00.002-07:00

When your last name is Tiger, you can get away with things that would be tacky in most peoples' homes: like a tiger striped bedspread for example.

Today I am three months away from my due date. Whew. I could go on and on about the challenges of all-day-every-day nausea....but I think I'm going to take a moment to brag about my husband.

Aaron has come through for me in a big way. The past six months of constant sickness have been enormously difficult. Aaron hasn't missed a beat. Not only did he finish grad school during my first four months, but took excellent care of Asa and I while he stayed up late to finish papers and assignments. He is someone you want to have around in a crisis. He remains calm, positive, and rational. He has stepped up to the plate in so many ways: housework, parenting, errands, getting up at night with Asa...he's got it covered. He has never once rolled his eyes or been frustrated with my inability to function normally. I could lay in bed all day throwing up, and he would still think I'm beautiful, pray for me fervently, and offer to do anything else I needed. Most men (boys?) who get married at 21 don't understand their vows as deeply as Aaron understood his when he took them. His resiliency and hope in the Lord has become more abundantly clear during these months of trial. Aaron is not perfect and we do not have a perfect marriage, but God is using this time to show me that I've got a good one...a really good one.

Another way Aaron has helped lessen my load is by taking Asa on lots of fun outings. I feel sad that I haven't been able to go along, but I have also felt relief knowing that Asa isn't missing out on fun things just because I am sick. Aaron took Asa camping at Birch Bay for one night. We decided on one night due to the......sensitivity of our boy. Asa had a rough first day, but warmed up to the idea of camping and finished strong. Aaron was brave to do this on his own and even made pancakes for breakfast: Asa's favorite.
They even dress alike. Aaron and Asa look so similar sometimes it's a little weird.

Starting to pose silly for pictures already.

Sleeping in the tent was the best part for Asa, which was a surprise to me. He is still talking about their camping trip, and I was thankful for the evening to curl up on the couch and watch reruns.

Patience

2010-07-29T12:44:00.000-07:00

See that little countdown ticker on the right side of the blog? Today is reads "100 days to go." Tomorrow I will be into the double digits. I can do anything for 99 days right? I am struggling to find patience with this pregnancy and with myself in the pregnancy. The persistent nausea makes me feel like November will never get here. I am impatient with myself when I look at the many, many things that need to be done before baby arrives. I keep reminding myself that all she really needs is a car seat, diapers, and me. I am a far cry away from how prepared I was with Asa, and with no end in sight in terms of how I feel, I'm not sure we'll even have her clothes put away. Patience.

I yelled at Asa in the car today because I had no patience. I heard my own voice and didn't even recognize it. The frightened look Asa gave me as I yelled tore my heart into pieces. This was not his loving mother, but an impatient, cranky, sick, frazzled pregnant lady. Our limit these days is two errands and I pushed us to three....in a hot car with no AC....at lunch time....and his sock was twisted funny in his shoe....and he needed me to fix it RIGHT NOW, but I was busy hoisting my bigness into a tiny hot car. Patience. God showed me grace and allowed my tear stained boy to fall asleep in the car on the way home. The bigger miracle is that I was able to transfer Asa out of the car and into his toddler bed without him waking up.

I am so thankful for God's grace and His patience with me when I struggle to find patience to deal with even simple daily tasks.

We head to the cabin in two weeks and I think I am extra sensitive about life because of it. We buried Dad's ashes there just a year ago. Most were buried under a dogwood tree and the rest were sprinkled into the river. It is a place that holds many sweet memories that are still tender and difficult to rehash. I won't be floating down the river this year. I've been saying it's because I don't want to risk hurting the baby.....but it's mostly because I can't imagine stuffing myself into a maternity swimsuit and actually having people see me in it.

God is teaching me many lessons about patience this summer. I am reminded of a quote from C.S. Lewis's "The Problem of Pain." --The trying lessons will not cease until God either sees us remade or sees that our remaking is now hopeless.

5 Months

2010-07-06T19:41:00.000-07:00

Well, here we are at 5 months along...exactly 4 months away from my due date. Hooray! It feels like quite an accomplishment to be more than halfway through with this pregnancy. I am really bashful and critical of pictures of my pregnant self....so in a surge of confidence I am posting this by request for some friends and family members I don't get to see often.

At nearly 23 weeks the nausea is still very present and very much a part of my daily life. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant: I took Asa to the park in the morning, and watched my lovely boy play while I sat on a swing in the sun and dreamed about my new little baby. I remember thinking, "This pregnancy is going to be different. I am going to stay on top of the nausea from the beginning and force myself to rest when my body needs it. I will feel better this time around and enjoy every day of the whole 40 weeks! --Famous last words I guess. Kind of like when I brought Asa home as a newborn and said, "He'll be up a lot during the night for the first few weeks while he gets his days and nights figured out." Ha, ha, ha. Two and a half years later......anyways, I digress.

On a positive note, the important parts of the pregnancy appear to be going very well. Baby is growing, moving, and developing, and Mama is packing on pounds despite feeling sick every day. Not quite sure how that's working out. Picking a name has been much harder this time around. I am happy to share with people once we've got it figured out, but we're not settled on one quite yet. This girl kicks and wiggles her way through every day! Another positive thing is that I haven't had much discomfort yet, and Aaron has time (for the first time in a long time) to allow me to rest and go to bed early when I need to...which is often. There is much to be thankful for!

The two masters

2010-06-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

Here are the Tigers proudly displaying their diplomas--Masters of Education with Presidential Honors. Not too shabby. I finished my masters degree in education/reading & literacy three summers ago when I was newly pregnant with Asa. Aaron just received his diploma and offically graduated on June 19th. Many people have asked about the "job search," to which I reply that there is no job search happening. There is casual looking and applying. We are not ready to deal with the stress of moving for at least a few more years, and jobs in the Bellingham area are pretty much non existent. Aaron looks in Bellingham and surrounding districts each week, and meanwhile, we are just so thankful for the stability of Costco during this rough economic time.

Currently, I am just enjoying having a husband who is not in school. Aaron had four days off recently, and during that time he power washed the house, deck, and fence, mowed both lawns, washed the inside and outside of all the windows, cleaned the bathrrooms, vacuumed the house, and hung three shelves. These are all jobs that I have done the past few years as he has been in school. Now that he has much more time and I am pregnant, I have double the reasons for cutting my summer to do list down by half, maybe even more.

Asa is enjoying being outside more and is also enjoying having Mama around almost all the time. My new job is very flexible and I can do many parts of it at home while he is napping or after he goes to bed. This week is VBS, so it is busier than usual, but it has been a fun week of teaching kids about God's love for them.

Poor guy had a major run in with a cement step last week. He was outside playing while eating a sucker when I heard a big crash and a lot of screaming. I was just feet away in the kitchen washing dishes so I darted outside to find him face down in the dirt, sucker held high in the air as if protecting it from the catastrophe. I pulled him up to find a very bloody, bruised, and bumpy forehead. Some cuddling from Mama and more licks of his lollipop seemed to make him feel much better.

Just look at that face!

2010-06-16T17:07:00.000-07:00

This is the cute little profile of baby GIRL Tiger! We found out on June 15th that baby was a "she." Aaron and my mom were present and it was such a gift to be able to find out with both of them there. My good friend Sarah had offered to watch Asa during the ultrasound so that we could really enjoy it. Aaron couldn't be at the 12 week ultrasound because as soon as the technician hit the lights, Asa started to panic and run for the door. His screaming in the tiny room was way too loud for me to hear anything the technician was saying, so Aaron took him out to roam the halls while I got to see the tiny Tiger wiggle. This time around, we got to just relax and enjoy the full 40 minutes of staring at our little daughter.

This girl was bunched of tight with lots of room to spare. When I had my 20 week ultrasound with Asa, he was stretched out as far as possible with his little ankles crossed and his arms behind his head. A difference in personalities already! I am feeling this little girl kick, move and groove, and have been since week 13. I didn't feel Asa until much, much later on. The movement has been a gift in the midst of endless nausea. As far as the ultrasound could read, everything looks good, and now I am getting really excited to meet this little person!

4 months

2010-06-06T14:56:00.001-07:00

This is baby Tiger #2 at 17.5 weeks. I took this picture last Sunday, which was one of my worst "morning sickness" (read: all day sickness) days to date. I went to church, stopped to get a haircut afterwards and then crashed in bed for the next 16 hours. I got up to take this picture because I was inspired after watching some YouTube videos about labor and delivery that my sister sent me. You can tell from the glazed over eyes and the messed up bed in the background that I was having a really rotten day.

Today I am exactly 5 months away from my due date. 18 weeks and 3 days-more importantly, almost halfway there. We have our 20 week ultrasound on the 15th, where we will find out if it's a boy or a girl! I have put my blood, sweat and tears-quite literally, into this pregnancy so far. I feel like the sickness is slowing down, but every time I say that I seem to get hit with another terrible horrible day like last Sunday. You can be praying for our ultrasound on the 15th!

A week later

2010-05-23T18:54:00.000-07:00

I have done a lot of reflecting this week. I have been surprised at how much more clearly I've been able to think this week. I suppose my thoughts were more muddled than I realized when I thought back to my dad's illness, death, and the months that have followed it.

This week I met with a friend to discuss work stuff, but we digressed to personal matters. I had known this woman while working at our church six years ago, and have gotten back in touch with her now that I am going back to work for our church. I have known for many years that her mom had died. When I knew my friend previously, I remember thinking "Oh, that was like four years ago. And she probably doesn't even want to talk about it, so I just won't say anything." Wow. I asked her at our meeting on Monday how her mom hadd died and we ended up talking about our experiences for nearly an hour. Her mom passed away from ALS after having it for a year. During her mom's illness, my friend was horribly, horribly sick with her third (and unexpected) pregnancy. My friend was too sick to be there for her mom, and her mom was too sick to be there for her. Her mom died about a month before my friend had her baby. "I just couldn't ever understand the timing of all of it," she said while fighting back tears. "Exactly," I thought while holding back tears myself. The timing of Dad's illness has baffled me. I am fearful that the next time I bring home a newborn, we will receive another frightening phone call that will steal my joy.

What I learned through my discussion with my friend was that this pain is still very real. Her mom has been gone nearly 10 years, and she still cried when she told me about the difficult times, and about how it hurts that her children don't know her mom. I felt comforted that I was free to feel the pain and not feel hurried to "Get over it....wasn't that like years ago?" The difficult part is really realizing that everyone's life moves on, and the pain will still be present, even when people have forgotten and even when people think, "Oh she must be over it by now."

Several peopled asked me what I did on May 15th in remembrance of my Dad. My answer was, "I chased after my two year old while my husband worked all day." I didn't know what to do, nor did I have the time alone to do it. A friend at work told me that she quietly honors her dad's memory by ordering his favorite kind of milkshake. I wondered, "Why didn't I think of that?" However, after the day had passed and I hadn't done anything I was quite sad. But part of me feels like it's still too tender to plan for and "do something." Maybe next year it will feel more natural. I have done a lot of reflecting, crying, and healing in the car. It is one of the few places (the only place?) where Asa is strapped into one place and fairly content. Sometimes I have gone on drives with no destination, just for this purpose. I'm sure there will be many more tear filled drives in the future.

For now I'm just going to post a few pictures of this and that....just because.

Asa diligently parks his cars on the back and arms of the couch. This particular day his goal was to get every kind of vehicle in the house on the couch. Why would I try to stop him if it made him happy and kept him busy?

What you're seeing here has never happened before. Poor guy skipped his nap and conked out at the top of the stairs around 5pm. It led to a very, very long night.

Cute little buddy enjoying his favorite: grilled cheese and tomato soup.

When we've been there ten thousand years, We've no less days to sing God's praise!

2010-05-15T13:44:00.000-07:00

Austin, Dad, and Amanda on Christmas day 2008.

Me, Asa, and Dad (Abi) at the hospital on Christmas day 2008.

Micah and Abi, May 2008.

Today I am working hard to fill my head with good memories of Dad. He passed about one year ago today. As hard as I work to remember the good times, the ugly, frightening, and desperate times also come to mind. So I remind myself of the promise that my brothers Drew and Austin sang at Dad's memorial service:

"When we've been there ten thousdand years, bright shining as the sun. We've no less days to sing God's praise than when we first begun."

I am so glad that Dad is out of pain and is singing God's praise for eternity in heaven. I am also reminded of the many family members and friends who held us up in prayer during our darkest hours. I am so thankful we are a part of the family of Christ. People do amazing, selfless things when they are inspired by the love of Christ. I am also thankful for the way the Lord has brought us forward, lifting us out of dark and horrible times into His light. Since Dad died, Asa has continued to grow healthily, Aaron has finished grad school, I have found a better job for our family, and we are expecting baby #2. It hurts that Dad won't know my children and that they won't know him. I get envious of seeing my friends' children delight in their grandpas, but try to remind myself that Asa does still have several loving grandparents and family members. I imagine that it will hurt for a long time, but know that God brings healing, and can turn our tears into joy.

And more...

2010-05-14T18:48:00.000-07:00

Dad was very tall! I married into a not-so-tall family, and you can really see the difference here. (Pictured: Stephen Fowler, Aaron Tiger, Alan Tiger).

Another picture that makes me cry. I like looking at these pictures and remembering him before there was any thought of cancer.

More memories

2010-05-14T18:45:00.000-07:00

Amanda and I rollerskating with Dad. He did love to play!

Dad and friend Maureen helping with presents on my 12th birthday.

Here is Dad during his mustache days! This was taken on one of our visits back to see family in Fresno, California.

Good Memories

2010-05-12T08:12:00.000-07:00

We are approaching the one year anniversary of Dad going to heaven. The days are ticking by quickly, and it has been more difficult than I anticipated it to be. This week, I've been working hard on focusing on the good memories of Dad as a healthy person. I have a stack of pictures to scan, but I also have a little boy who doesn't let me sit down for very long. I managed to scan two pictures and now have him in the bathtub so that I can type.

Dad was a talented guitar player. He would often bring it out and play it for us kids. He also played it at church, picnics, birthday parties, Sunday school, etc. I was always proud when I saw my Dad playing the guitar. This is he and I at my second birthday party. It's hard to believe that I now have a little one of my own this age!

Here comes the bride! This pictures makes me weepy. This is how I remember my Dad looking, and it's been a very long time since I've seen him healthy. Dad was calm and collected on my wedding day. Aaron and I got married quite young, and my Dad always believed in us. When we were 19 and talking about getting married, Dad told me that he trusted my judgement and that he knew I would choose well and make it work.

Lots of precious memories to share, but some are still to tender to tap into. I will try to share a few more pictures later this week.

The soft hum...

2010-05-07T18:15:00.001-07:00

Could this picture elude to why he doesn't sleep? No, this is just what happens when we give in: we end up sending him down the stairs in a cardboard box because we might as well have some fun while we're up instead of hours of tears and screaming. The tears and screaming don't happen every night, but often enough to make it a continual sensitive issue.

Asa has recently become obsessed with what he calls "the soft hum." He is very aware of sounds, any sound. He hasn't been sleeping well at all the past several weeks, and whenever Aaron or I went upstairs to calm him down he would tell us "I don't like that noise, turn it off!" We had no idea what noise he was talking about. The only noise we could hear was the hum of the refridgerator. Asa would also complain about the soft hum coming from the computer and the DVD player. We've done a lot of talking about the soft hum in our house, trying to help Asa get over his concern about the noise, because really, soft hums are a part of life as are much louder noises. Asa can now tell you that "The computer makes a soft hum because there's a motor inside with a tiny fan. Soft hums are good because it means the machine is working." It is really cute to hear him recite this information. He sounds like a little engineer. Our highly sensitive boy continues to be highly sensitive and we love him to death! I am convinced that his sensitivity and acute awareness of the world around him will make him fantastic at whatever he persues in life.

Glory, Glory, Halleluiah!

2010-05-04T07:23:00.000-07:00

As of Sunday at 5:00pm, Aaron has completed graduate school. He needs to make one more trip down to Everett in June for a teeny tiny exit one hour interview. We are not counting it as "work" because compared to the past two and a half years, it feels like nothing.

No more communiting to Everett
No more leaving the house with Asa for hours so that Aaron can do assignments
No more weekend trips down south by myself with Asa so Aaron can get a paper done in time
No more working seven days a week for Aaron
No more late nights for Aaron to be proceeded by waking up at 3:45am to get to work on time
No more money spent on tuition: we spent just over $30,000 on tuition-out of pocket
No more rushing to the mailbox to see if a book that was ordered too late has arrived
No more stress over waiting to see if he's passed a test
No more watching the house fall apart around me since Aaron isn't available to help with things
No stress about jobs: we are thankful for what we have and will see what God brings our way
DONE, DONE, DONE.

By Sunday afternoon I was so ragged and depleted. I thanked God that it was the last day of class for fear that I would do something crazy if Aaron were gone much longer. Aaron's schooling has been such a huge part of our lives that we can't even believe it's over. But I'm sure it will sink in soon. My sweet husband is treating me to a spa day as a thank you for my support. I feel guilty that I have done more complaining and whining than supporting, especially over the past few months. But hey, I'm definitely not going to stop him from sending me to a spa. It's a luxary that has been completely impossible for us to do, and is probably still kind of impossible, but I don't care. I'm going to lay and have my massage while dreaming about wonderful completion, and what we have to look forward to!

So happy to finally announce...

2010-04-23T08:26:00.001-07:00

...that we will be welcoming a new little Tiger into our family in early November! We are excited about this little blessing, but let me tell you, the last three months have not been easy or enjoyable. Sickness hit the day I found out I was pregnant and hasn't let up. I've had a few days that have been moderate, but most days have been bad, bad, bad. Every day has felt so long, that I never thought I'd make it to the 12th week. Hopefully things will start letting up soon, but for now I am still living off of fast food (fatty, greasy food that I don't have to prepare for myself seems to settle the best), and going to bed around 7:30. I burn with envy towards any woman who is able to get through pregnancy without being plagued with nausea and headaches. I haven't been much of a wife or teacher, and when it comes to being a mama to Asa, well....he's been watching a lot more movies lately.

Although I have been extremely sick, I am also very excited. It really is God's timing and I am so thankful that I will be working in an environment that rejoices in the birth of new babies, instead of seeing them as something that takes mommies away from being full time teachers. Public schools don't always have a positive response to pregnant teachers. When I was pregnant with Asa, I was certain I was having a boy. This time, I really have no idea! Please be praying for our family in the following ways...

* Please pray that my nausea goes away SOON, or at least becomes manageable to a point where I can spend more time with my family.
* Aaron is in the last two weeks of school. It's major crunch time, and I simply haven't been able to free him up to work on his stuff. Please pray that we will find ways for him to complete his assignments.
* Pray for healthy development of baby #2, and that Asa's heart would be prepared to accept and love a new little brother or sister!

I thought the end would never come...

2010-04-15T18:48:00.001-07:00

We just got word that Aaron passed his comprehensive exams for his master's in school counseling program! We are so thrilled and relieved that this major task is completed. We are ticking off the requirements and there are only three left: a (huge) paper, a (giant) portfolio, a conference, and an exit interview.

Aaron has been in school since Asa was 5 weeks old. The process began shortly after we found out about my dad, and in the middle of extreme sleep deprivation with my new baby....who still doesn't like to sleep. When he first started his master's degree, I couldn't even imagine the end coming. Every quarter felt daunting and overwhelming. And now the end is here! The Lord has really seen us through, and we are so thankful. We could use your prayers for a couple of things as we push (crawl?) to the finish line...

* Although Aaron only has three more weeks of class, his assignments are substantial and important. He is feeling overwhelmed with the enormity of the assignments, and I am feeling low on resources to be supportive and helpful. (Translation: I am out of patience and haven't been very loving when it comes to school.)

* Aaron will begin applying for jobs soon. Jobs in schools are pretty much non-existent. More lay offs are ocurring this spring, so most districts haven't (and won't) be posting any openings. Our requirements are strict: Aaron will only take something that is a guanranteed continuing contract, and it must be withinin communiting distance, preferably closer. I have been praying all year that God would carve out a place for Aaron. Any school would be blessed by his gentle spirit, understanding heart, and vast knowledge, however, it may not happen this year....or next year. Aaron has a good job at Costco, and although he'd prefer to leave, we are thankful for the security it provides. Please pray that we will be accepting of whatever happens for Aaron in the job arena and that a position opens up for him soon, whether it's this year or in the next few years.

We Heart Nutella

2010-04-13T16:40:00.001-07:00

A couple of months ago I rediscovered how wonderfully delicious Nutella is. It really is scrumptious, and isn't all that bad for you....maybe I'm making that up. Anyways, Asa enjoys it on graham crackers, but has to be coaxed into eating the whole cracker and not just licking the Nutella off...

$pring Break is Awe$ome

2010-04-09T18:35:00.000-07:00

The best $6 I ever spent. Got this mower at Big Lots and it goes everywhere with us. It does nothing fancy: no bubbles, sounds, or buttons. Just cheap plastic.

This big boy goes down the big slide all by himself.

I am nearing the end of my spring break. When I return to work, I will have two months left of teaching! If you haven't heard, I am resigning my contract with the Bellingham School District. I couldn't be happier about it. I love teaching, but the demands are so great that I simply can't keep up. I will be taking up a new position as our church's Children's Director. This is a huge blessing for our family. It will provide the flexibility we need and I am really excited about the job itself.

Spring break has really cost me this year. It would be better if the money had gone towards a trip or something exciting. On the last day of work before spring break, other staff members were writing down on the community whiteboard all of the places they were going over break: Hawaii, Paris, Mexico....wow. There is no way we could afford a trip like that right now. Without giving exact numbers, I will just say that the last few years have been tight....very, very, very tight. We have been paying Aaron's tuition out of pocket, and on top of that living is expensive. Anyways, I decided to take a little jump (or big, for us) and book a one night stay at Semiahmoo resort for the three of us. Even one night felt like a stretch, but it has been sooooo long since we've done anything....what's the word?.....fun, yes that's the word. I was excited to surprise Aaron with this treat and even thought I'd surprise him further with a round of golf at the resort.

However, this week we received some substantial medical bills. And on Wednesday we took in the Honda asking for a tune-up and ended up spending over $1,000 on it. To top it off, I took Asa to the park this morning. That sounds like a wonderful thing, and it was! It was C-O-L-D, but the sun was out and Asa ran, slid, swung, and mowed for quite some time (see pictures above). We came home just in time to watch "Clifford" and to catch my dentist's office calling to say, "Where are you? You're 45 minutes late." ARRGH! I can't believe I forgot the appointment, and althought the receptionist was very understanding, she kindly reminded me that no-shows require out of pocket payment for the appointment. I wanted to cry, in fact, I did. When will the expenses end? I know they never will. Hawaii, Paris, and Mexico will have to wait....probably for quite some time, but in the meantime I'm going to try my best to enjoy our day at Semiahmoo!

28

2010-04-09T18:19:00.000-07:00

Aaron turned 28 yesterday. We're going out to dinner this weekend, but we celebrated last night with one of his favorite meals and beverages. Happy Birthday my love!

Easter and more

2010-04-07T08:06:00.000-07:00

We had a wonderful Easter down in Tacoma last weekend! The group was huge, and my brave sister gracefully hosted everyone. The group included us, Mom and Nanny, Amanda's family of 6, the Tigers, Amanda's in-laws and brother-in-law, Drew and Kelly, Austin, Drew's in-laws, and my mom's friend Barbara. It was a big gathering, and so much fun. We enjoyed tons of delicious brunch food and had fun watching the kiddos hunt for eggs and candy.

Asa dyed Easter eggs with Nonni and Poppi the night before.

Blankie Bear was along for the ride

I found one!

Hooray, I found another one!

Hana was pretty in pink!

Micah was as charming as ever.

Netsie looked lovely in purple. My camera battery died before I got a pic of Nardos, but she also looked very pretty in purple.
Last night I really needed to clean Asa up. He looked like a ragamuffin, and I needed to trim his hair, wash his hair, cut his finernails and toenails, clean his ears, and give him a good scrub in the tub. I knew I would have to do some serious coaxing if we were going to do all of those things. I used an age old mothering technique that has proven to work for mothers all around the world: bribery. I bribed him into a good clean with the movie "Cars" and a dinner picnic in front of the TV. We bought "Cars" for Asa for his birthday, and once he realized we had it, he asked to watch it every 2 minutes. I got so tired of it that I staged a pretend video return to Blockbuster. I told him that the movie was gone, but we'd rent it again for a special treat some day. When I told him what he would be able to do if he willingly let me scrub/trim/snip/poke, his eyes got wide and he said, "Cars is at the store." I pulled it out of the closet and said that I'd rented it as a special treat. He was thrilled. He sat in that little chair for the full hour and 47 minutes, slowly eating his sandwich and soup while he watched his movie in amazement. It is really cute to see how much he enjoys this movie, but I think we will have to stage another return because he has already asked about a dozen times to watch it again this morning!

Remembering

2010-03-24T18:14:00.000-07:00

This season has been a time of remembering for me. The pink cherry blossoms, tulips, sunshine, and longer days typically brighten my spirits and energize me. This year has been different. The past month or so has weighed heavily on me in a way I didn't expect it to. It has brought up memories and images that I have worked hard to bury. Memories of last spring that are too painful and personal to share here. Last spring, we were in the final weeks of Dad's life. Every day got worse for Dad with the pain. Each day he resembled less and less of who he was. Every day we prayed for the Lord to come and take him to heaven, but it got worse still. Last spring while the weather warmed and bright colors appeared around me, I felt like I was going through the motions of life. On the outside I pulled off what I needed to in terms of appearances: you can't be a basketcase all of the time, especially in front of 26 third graders. On the inside I was heartbroken, angry, and completely spent.

A few days ago I was looking for a gift bag in our spare room to wrap a gift for a friend in. I pulled out a pretty pink bag that was just the right size. I wrapped the gift, and then as an afterthought, checked the attached gift tag to make sure that it hadn't already been written on. I opened the tag and saw, "Suzanne & Aaron, I love you. From, Dad." My throat started to close and tears immediately sprung to my eyes. At the same moment the dryer buzzer went off and Asa was yelling for a snack. Life was calling. I couldn't stand to look at his handwriting, and especially the words that lived in that card. I shoved the bag back into the drawer.

This spring has brought up many, many difficult memories of what last spring held. I cling to the fact that the Lord is good ALL the time, and that Dad is living out his eternal life with Christ. It's been ten and a half months since Dad passed and I miss him more than ever now. Grief is a complex, confusing process with many unexpected facets....at least it has been for me. God has brought our family forward since last spring, and I am so grateful! At the same time, I desperately want to share with Dad about my new job, Aaron's pending graduation, and all of Asa's silliness and little antics. But we still move forward. Spring break is approaching and we will be celebrating Christ's ressurection with a large crowd of loved ones. The Lord is good ALL the time!

More fun with Rory...

2010-02-25T18:54:00.001-08:00

It is very cute to watch Asa with Rory because he loves to observe and copy her. Asa has shown 0% interest in playdough....until last week when Rory decided she wanted to play with it. Asa quietly joined her, and this is what happened...He was a little unsure at first, but decided to follow Rory's lead...
(Check out the totally cool Tiger shirt. $1.99 on consignment!)

A smile broke across his face as he realized that playdough wasn't so bad. In fact, it can be fun!

Two minutes later, he was having the best time of his life, as illustrated above.

Here they are enjoying the AMAZING weather we've had in the Northwest this winter. This picture was taken at the end of January. We were outside with no coats or hats. So wonderful!

Pretty cute kids, huh?

Look Who's Two!

2010-02-07T14:26:00.000-08:00

Sweet little smile
Aaron was a good sport and allowed a group of 2-3 year olds throw whipped cream and cheese puffs at him. This was a game we played at Birthday parties as young kids with my own Dad. Asa thought it was hilarious, especially when friend Jonah's plate of whipped cream flew sideways and nailed Asa on the side of the head!

Two candles on a car cupcake for the big boy!

Well, our baby is two. Can't believe it. Asa got to celebrate his birthday twice: once with his cousins and Nonni and Poppi, and again with his little small group friends. I tried to keep it low key, as big events with lots of noise, people, and activity tend to overwhelm my little guy. I often intentionally avoid chaotic situations in order to dodge meltdowns, screaming, and acting out. I think I was fairly successful with the "parties," and Asa seemed to catch on quickly to the idea that he was being celebrated! I wanted to record some things about what Asa is doing and saying at age two...

* He is an enormous blessing in our lives! He keeps us running, laughing, and learning!

* He is quite verbal for a little boy, at least in my opinion. Some favorite expressions are "We don't throw cars at people." "Pats and hugs are nice." "Snuggle with me and read me a book." "I don't like _________ "(any number of things, even things he likes, are inserted into this phrase about a hundred times a day). "I ate Bugles with a yellow car on it at Amaye's house." (this happened over Christmas, and he still talks about it daily).

* He is happiest when he is outside, splashing in puddles, running around, and pushing his little lawnmower.

* Besides time with Mama and getting donuts with Daddy, cars are what he loves the most. He knows more names for cars than I do, including "combine harvester," "giant excavator," and "skid steer loader."

* He loves his bath, and I am certainly thankful for that! It gives me a chunk of time when he is in one place! Having a small house with a bathroom right off of the kitchen is handy for getting things done while he is in the bath. He often takes two a day, and I sometimes drain the water and fill it up again while he's still in it. I will gladly accept the larger water bill if it means 45 minutes for me to cook or clean up while he's content!

* He can sing his ABC's and count to 10! He knows all of his (main) colors and is very specific when requesting things he wants: "I would like a blue fruit bar please." "I would like a yellow cookie with red sprinkles please."

* He is teaching us about the world of discipline, time-outs, and rewards/punishments. Although I know a lot about discipline for third graders, I am new at toddler discipline. What do you do when your kid wallops you in the middle of the long line at Target?

* He continues to be one of the worst sleepers I've heard of. He is trying desperately to give up his nap and would stay up until 9:30pm every night if we let him. Although he doesn't have nearly as many night wakings, he is still up about twice a night and tries to rise very early, but bringing him into bed with Mama usually settles him back down. I am convinced that this is who he is and he probably won't ever need as much sleep at most kids/adults. The other night as I went up to his room to try to settle him down (it was after 9pm...) he requested to come downstairs and watch a movie. When that didn't work, he asked to come downstairs and read books. When that also didn't work, he shouted after me as I walked downstairs, "Come downstairs and eat chocolate cake!"

* He is still a mama's boy through and through. I often feel smothered with his neediness of me, but I am trying to enjoy the sweetness and relish these times of "only mama."

* This little lad loves to run. I race around all day trying to keep up with him. Since I have such a struggle getting him into grocery carts and strollers, I have lost him (more than once), even while keeping a close eye on him. He is FAST!

* At his 2-year-old check up, he measured in the 95% for head circumference, 30% for weight, and 95% for height! I am thrilled to see that he may be very tall like my side of the family!

* Also like my side of the family, Asa gets a ton of colds, and more often than not, they turn into sinus infections. Poor guy.

* "Blankie Bear" is like a fourth member of our family. Asa's little ratty blue blanket bear is his best friend. Despite weekly washings in hot water, it still smells like saliva because blankie bear practically lives in Asa's mouth. I followed many parents' advice and bought two blankie bears. Asa doesn't care a lick about "other blankie bear," (as he calls it). There is only one blankie bear, and I will be in deep, deep trouble if it ever gets lost. Blankie Bear "meows" all day long. Asa goes around holding blankie bear and meowing in the house, the car, the store, the library, anywhere. Blankie Bear rarely stops meowing.

* His two favorite games are hide-and-seek, and throw-soft-things-at-Daddy. We have spent a lot of time trying to teach Asa what soft things are!

* He loves to read books and even has some of his little board books memorized.

* The little guy loves kitties. I really, really don't like kitties, but think it's sweet that he is so infatuated with them.

* He is the single greatest thing that has ever happened to us! We are challeneged and grateful with the task of being his parents. God has taught us so much about love, patience, and sacrafice through our little Asa. Our lives truly began when he arrived. WE LOVE YOU ASA!

For Auntie Siri...

2010-02-01T21:00:00.000-08:00

Asa's Auntie Siri (Aaron's sister), is living in South Africa for at least another 6 months (most likely longer). We miss her terribly! She is a friend to everyone she meets and a joyful light to anyone she is around. She loves her nephew and requested a video of him. Here is a short one of Asa in his element: playing with cars on the coffee table. Enjoy Auntie Siri!

On another note, I had intentions of blogging a heartfelt post on Asa's second birthday, which was the 25th of January. I wanted to discuss all the ways that he has been such a tremendous gift to us. However, my third graders gave another tremendous gift to me: a 24 hour stomach bug that kept me grumbling, curled up, and eating saltines the whole day. In short, we can't believe our baby is TWO and I still plan to post an update on what our little two-year-old is up to these days. Stay tuned.

At his finest...

2010-01-23T14:54:00.000-08:00

My Dad taught 2-year-old Sunday school at my parents' church for several years. Dad was a busy, busy man, but made the time to teach Sunday school to these little ones. When he died, the children's program director made a little collage of some pictures she had of Dad teaching/playing with the kids. I caught sight of the collage at my Mom's house and she is letting me borrow it so that I can scan the pictures into our computer.

I write with tears in my eyes because looking at these pictures is both healing and hurtful. It is a joyful reminder of the man that he was. I love that Dad is sitting on the floor in the last picture while the little kids sit in tiny chairs. Dad was so tall, there is no way his long legs would fit under that table! I love seeing glimpses of him teaching God's word to these young ones. The first thing Dad said to me after he informed me of his diagnosis was, "I'm so glad my heart belongs to Jesus." Dad loved the Lord, and took joy in sharing Him with these children.

Yet, it is a haunting reminder of what cancer did to his body and mind. Right after he passed away, looking at pictures of healthy Dad was shocking. It was such a drastically sharp contrast to what he looked like the last several times I saw him. It also breaks my heart to think that Dad was able to see these little children become two year olds, and beyond. He won't be able to see my sweet babies reach the age that these kids were in the above pictures. Many would say (in an attempt to comfort), "Of course, he is watching your children grow from up in heaven!" This is an interesting thought. While we know that heaven is astounding beyond our imagination, we have not been told that we can peer over clouds and watch our loved ones live their lives on earth. Anyways...

I really am doing pretty well. Having these tearful moments while listening to sad music is a part of the process, and I have my moments even when I truly am doing well. The song I am currently listening to is by Pearl Jam, and says....

"I'm a lucky man to count on both hands the ones I love,
Some folks they have one, others they have none...
Stay with me, let's just breath...
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
For if I didn't, I'm a fool you see,
No one knows this more than me...
Hold me 'till I die,
Meet you on the other side..."

I am lucky (blessed, rather), to have so many people I love and who love me. I have lost one, but he is spending eternity with his Savior. I am missing him terribly at the moment, but I have many more moments of joy and celebration about his life!

Lollipop = Happy Asa

2010-01-14T19:28:00.000-08:00

Asa has a sweet tooth like his Mama. Good thing he has a Grandma who works at a candy shop. We get lots of goodies to keep us happy!

A whirlwind update...

2010-01-09T08:29:00.000-08:00

I have taken an unintentional break from blogging. I suppose that's a good thing. For many, many months my blog was a way for me to unload emotionally and process difficulties. I haven't felt the need to vent and process quite as often, so it seems I forgot about the blog altogether! Much has happened over the past month, so I will provide a whirlwind update for anyone who's interested:

* December 14th~Anniversary #6: Aaron and I celebrated our 6th anniversary in mid-December. I am proud of what we have accomplished over the past six years, but I am especially proud of our relationship. Marriage is not easy, and each year I learn more and more about the covenent of marriage. I am blessed to be married to a man that values marriage so highly. The world is harsh and cruel, but I am so thankful that I can navigate through it with Aaron by my side.

* December 18th~Aaron's "last" day of internship and a return to (some) normalcy: When we started this crazy schedule at the end of August I couldn't imagine it coming to an end. Although it was only 3 and a half months, we were so busy that each day felt extremely long. However, it did of course come to an end. And when it was over, a co-worker's voice came to mind with something she had said to me after a long, difficult winter last year: "So, you're stronger than you thought you were, huh?" I guess so! Aaron is taking vacation time from Costco right now to finish up his internship hours, and then will return to his early morning schedule at Costco with classes at City University on Sundays. We're in the homestretch, with classes ending in May and graduation in June. PRAISE THE LORD!

* December 25th~Christmas of course!: We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day at my Mom's new house in Auburn. Last Christmas was a bit of a nightmare that I don't enjoy rehashing. I'll just say there were many tears, many struggles, and more outbursts than I am willing to admit (on my part). This year was different in many ways. We of course grieve the absence of my Dad. There wasn't a moment where one of us wasn't thinking about how much we missed him and wanted him to be a part of the holiday. I especially felt an intense twinge of pain when Asa was opening his presents on Christmas morning. Dad would have loved to see Asa enjoying the delight of Christmas morning. However, as we were celebrating Christ's birth, Dad was celebrating it as well with Christ himself in heaven. I truly believe that.

* January 1st~A new start: I have no resolutions this year. But Aaron and I have had lots of discussions about what we'd like to do/have happen this year. Our conclusion: we have no control over it! God is in control, whether things are going well or horribly. Our goal as a family is to look to Him, follow His lead, offer everything up to Him, and come before Him often. I don't know what the year holds and I'm not going to make any big plans, but I am learning to be confident that God knows the plan for our lives, and thank goodness!

Random winter fun

2009-12-21T18:33:00.000-08:00

Asa never ceases to surprise me. After nearly 23 months of disliking the camera and doing everything he could to not have one in his face, he looked at me today (as I was replacing batteries in the camera) and said, "Smile, picture time!" I was speechless. I was able to get the above two pictures and a handful of others in which he is willingly smiling and seeming to enjoy himself!

It's been COOOOLDDD! However, the clear sunny skies at the beginning of December were a welcome change from a very wet, gloomy November. We took time to be outside each sunny, freezing day. It was great!

Our first snow of the year. Asa has a love/hate relationship with it. I contionue to have just a hate relationship with snow. Although, so far this year, we are doing much better than last year. No cars have gone into any ditches.

Helping me cook potatoes to get ready for our early Christmas brunch with Nonni and Poppi.

The hunt for the perfect tree...

2009-12-21T18:30:00.000-08:00

....was really a dash in and out of the farm, grabbing the first affordable tree we could find, and spending the rest of our time sipping hot cider indoors. We chose one of the coldest days so far this fall to attempt a tree hunting adventure. We made a 35 minute trek out to a farm because I had a $5.00 coupon....I know, I probably spent more on gas than what the coupon saved me. Incredibly, Asa remembered going to this farm over Halloween and couldn't figure out why there were no tractor rides and why all of the pumpkins were "yucky." The farm was very picked over and we didn't have much of a selection. We quickly picked a tree, sipped some hot cider, and then made the 35 minute drive home. I'm proud to report that I was actually the more calm and collected one on this little trip. However, it could be because I was sitting in the nice warm car while Aaron tied the tree to our car roof in sub-arctic temperatures.

Stop Licking the Wall

2009-12-08T20:36:00.001-08:00

A friend let me borrow a book from her recently. It's called Afterbirth: Stories You Won't Hear in A Parenting Magazine. It is a compilation of short stories about parenthood, written by comedians, comedy writers, artists, etc. I found that a couple of the stories hit particularly close to home.

One was called "Stop Licking the Wall," by Beth Harbison. She discusses how, as a parent, you say things that you never imagined you would have to say. The funniest example she gave was when she told her son: "Don't wipe your buggers on the wall while you're sitting on the toilet." I have a couple quotes of my own that I never thought I'd have to say out loud. Of course, all of these comments were directed to my little bundle of joy...

-Don't blow your nose on my cheek
-Put your spoon down and eat with your hands
-Don't put your firetruck down your diaper
-It's okay to poop in the bathtub, just please tell me when you're done.

I won't go into detail about when/where/why these conversations occured. I'm sure there are many more I'm just not remembering, and no doubt, there will be many more to come.

Another story I apprecited was called "Sweet Dreams," by Caroline Bicks. I have lamented endlessly about Asa's sleep...or lack there of. People have accused me of exaggerating. I assure you, I am not, but believe what you will. In this story, the author's daughter had not slept through the night...in four and a half years. I appreciated reading a story written by another sleep deprived mother who blames herself for her child's inability to sleep through the night, or even for 2-3 hour stretches. Here are a few quotes from her story that I felt could have been written by me, because they aligned so closely to my own story:

-"No one ever feels sorry for you when your kid is a 'bad sleeper.' They just look at you like you represent everything that's wrong with the world: negligence, sloth, incompetence. Like I can't be bothered with sleep training because I'm too busy surfing the Internet for cheap deals on recalled car seats."

-"The few times I fell into the trap of telling people the truth about my daughter's sleep habits, they'd start in about 'setting limits,' and 'consistency.' Usually this would be followed by a lecture on their personal sleep guru's philosophy and how, with the right commitment, it worked for them.

-"One day, determined to seize control, we locked her in her room and let her scream for two and a half hours. When she finally stopped we opened the doory, expecting to see her in a heap on the floor, surrendered to sleep. Instead, there she stood, a twinkle in her eye-baby poop everywhere. I could hear the snide voice of Failure whispering in my ear: 'It's over. She's broken you. You just don't have what it takes.' "

I get asked the "Is he sleeping better yet?" question often...probably because I complain to everyone who will listen. The answer: no. Asa is up on average 3 times a night. HOWEVER, it is much easier to get him back to sleep. I am done trying to get the kid to sleep through the night. It is simply who he is, and I wouldn't be surprised if he still wakes up a few times a night at age 10 for a snuggle, a drink, to get covered back up, etc. People assure me that our next child will be a great sleeper, but I am not going to get my hopes up.

So much thanks

2009-12-03T20:09:00.000-08:00

We really do have so much to be thankful for. God has been drawing my thoughts toward the blessings in my life so much over the past crazy three months of our lives. Here are a few of the many things we are grateful for...

...our funny, funny boy. It's about time he start pulling his weight around here! The boy loves to vacuum.

A wonderful Thanksgiving with many loved ones. Thanks Noni and Poppi for having us stay with you, and thank you Amanda for hosting the beautiful meal!

We got to see Great Grandma Tiger over the holiday. A rare treat!

We are so thankful for all of Asa's cousins and my wonderful mom (Amaye). This little photo op was a hilarious event. It was a trick to get all five grandkids to be still and smiling. Asa has the appearance of a smile, but he is just doing what he usually does in front of the camera: whining and trying to get away.

On November 18th, I was thankful to acknowledge what would have been my Dad's 58th birthday. After Asa went to bed, I spent some time watching the slideshow from his memorial service, and lighting a candel to remember his presence and the light he shone brightly for Christ.

Halloween 2009

2009-11-10T21:02:00.000-08:00

We took it easy this Halloween. We had a fun Harvest Party with our church and attended a very toddler friendly party the Friday before Halloween. These pictures were taken on Halloween day. Rather than trick-or-treating, we just had a nice family day. Asa sported his costume while we ran errands and, later that afternoon, loved running along some Bellingham trails. This kid LOVES to run. About a hundred times a day I hear him yelling the words "I running!!!!" as he charges through the house, grocery store, library, yard...wherever he finds himself.

Asa had originally requested to be a red van for Halloween. Aaron and I thought it would be hilarious if we made this happen. About a week before Halloween, I realized that I would be crazy to spend time making a red van costume. This is the child who won't even let me put a hat on his head. He throws an absolute tantrum when I try putting unfamiliar shoes on him. He hates wearing a jacket. (I haven't ever figured out why, probably the bulkiness). He gags on unfamiliar food (sometimes even familiar food) while its still in his hand and hasn't even reached his mouth yet. All of this said, he is apparently a pretty sensitive kid. I decided to bag the red van idea. Besides, this was the week I had swine flu and was using all of my energy to just get healthy. A friend let us borrow this simple dinosaur costume. He wouldn't wear the "head" for more than a few minutes, but he was still pretty cute in it.

Yummy, Starbuck's cookie!

There's plenty to explore and examine on the Barkley trails.

On a more serious note, I was surprised at how difficult Halloween felt. I haven't been a big Halloween person since I was a little kid. It just isn't an appealing holiday to me. For the past 15 years or so, it has just been a day that comes and leaves, one step closer to real holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. However, this Halloween I found myself thinking back to the many, many times my Dad dressed up like a giant pumpkin and took us trick-or-treating around our Fresno neighborhood. He was a good sport about those kinds of things, and loved to be goofy. He also loved to see his kids having fun. Dad's birthday is coming up next week, followed by our first Thanksgiving and Christmas without him. I am trying to think of what I can do on his birthday to celebrate him. Aaron will be working until late, so it will be just Asa and I. It will be a small celebration, but a celebration for Dad none the less. I remember trying to think of something to get for Dad for his birthday last year. What can you possibly get for someone who is obviously having their last birthday? I wanted it to be meaningful. I wanted it to express how deeply I loved him, and how terribly I would miss him, and how sorry I was that he had suffered so horribly. In the end, I choked and just got him a CD. How could I express all of those things in a gift?

There is nothing you could possibly be more proud of than your child. I long for Dad to see Asa running around in his dinosaur costume. For several months, I was acutely aware of the reality of his death, knowing that he was gone forever. As time has passed, I often find myself forgetting that he is gone. While browsing for Christmas presents last weekend I found myself thinking, "What should I get for Dad this year?" Sorry to digress so much from the cheerful start to this post! A lot has been on my mind, both joyful and sad things. This is just a smattering. However, I know that the Lord is good all the time.